The Date is 8/21/2288 Let's say you are in Fallout and you walk into a bar. Depending on which Fallout Title you find yourself in the alcohol selection and cocktails may change. I'm going to list cocktails that would still be possible to make in Post-Apocalyptic America along with their Availability and Price in Caps. And thanks to [dwill2168] from GameFAQs I will also be providing a price in USD. [dwill2168] was able to find the value of a Cap in USD (2009) 1 Cap = .69 cents & 1 Dollar = 1.44 caps. This will help show you how the value of each cocktail has changed in Post-Apocalyptic America.
1. Nuka-Ria a. Red Wine Glass (No Ice) b. Use Diced Mutfruit & Tarberries instead of Ice c. Fill 2/3rds with Red Wine d. Top with 1/3 Nuka-Cola Orange e. Garnish with 3 thin slices of Mutfruit <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas Sarsapa(gria) Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout 4: 8 Caps | $11.52 Fallout 76: 11 Caps | $15.84 Fallout 76: Blackberry Alternative: 12 Caps | $17.28
Info: The Nuka-Ria and Sarsapagria are the Post-Apocalyptic versions of the Sangria. It seems that Post-Apocalyptic America is severely lacking citrus fruits like Oranges, Lemons, Limes, Grapefruits, Pineapples etc. So Nuka-Orange or Sunset Sarsaparilla was used in place of the Orange Juice and Lemon Lime Soda. Peaches were replaced by Tarberries or Barrel Cactus Fruit and Mutfruit can be used if you don't have any Fresh Apples. If you're visiting Appalachia you can also substitute the Tarberries for Blackberries.
1. Sarsapagria (Alternative) a. Red Wine Glass (No Ice) b. Use Diced Fresh Apple & Barrel Cactus Fruit instead of Ice c. Fill 2/3rds with Red Wine d. Top with 1/3 Sunset Sarsaparilla e. Garnish with 3 thin slices of Fresh Apple (Description: This cocktail should appear Yellow-Orange in appearance with the skins of the diced red apple pieces being semi-visible)
2. Whiskey & Water a. Small Rocks glass (With Ice) b. Add 2oz Whiskey c. Top with Purified Water <> Fallout 3: 3 Caps | $4.32 Fallout 3: "Dirty Whiskey" Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32 Fallout 3: Aqua Pura Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88 Fallout New Vegas: 3 Caps | $4.32 Fallout New Vegas Dixon's Whiskey Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20 Fallout New Vegas: "Dirty Whiskey" Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32 Fallout New Vegas: "Dirty Dixon" Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32 Fallout 4: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 4: Bourbon Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout 4: "Dirty Whiskey" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88 Fallout 4: "Dirty Bourbon" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88 Fallout 4: "Drugged Whiskey" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88 Fallout 4: "Drugged Bourbon" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88 Fallout 4: Aqua Pura Alternative: 1 Cap | $1.44 Fallout 4: Aqua Pura & Bourbon Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88 Fallout 4: Institute Water Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32 Fallout 4: Bourbon & Institute Water Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32 Fallout 76: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 76: Bourbon Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 76: "Dirty Whiskey" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88 Fallout 76: "Dirty Bourbon" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88 Fallout 76: "Whiskey & Toxic" Alternative: 1 Cap | $1.44 Fallout 76: "Bourbon & Toxic" Alternative: 1 Cap | $1.44
Info: Due to the lack of ingredients in the wasteland, Whiskey & Water might have gained some popularity. This cocktail is cheap yet refreshing since it comes with Ice. However, cocktails that come with ice will be much less accessible to those living in the wasteland since it requires electricity to make. Ice-based cocktails will probably only be available to purchase in major cities like New Vegas, Vault City, Diamond City, Megaton, Good Neighbor and even some of the larger settlements of the wasteland. Some cocktails will use nicknames based on their ingredients like a "Drugged Whiskey" which uses Drugged Water and Whiskey as it's main ingredients.
3. The Washington Apple a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice) b. Add 1.3oz of Whiskey to Cocktail Shaker c. Add 1.3oz of Mutfruit Schnapps to Cocktail Shaker d. Add 1.3oz of Cranberry Juice to Cocktail Shaker e. Add Ice Shake and Pour f. Garnish with a slice of Mutfruit <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: N/A Fallout 4 Tarberry Juice Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout 76: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout 76 Tarberry Juice Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Info: Notice Fallout 4 can only make an alternate version of The Washington Apple using Tarberry Juice. Sure it costs more and you might even soak up a few Rads, but most would agree that the taste of Tarberries is much better than Cranberries.
4. Bloody Larry a. Cocktail Glass (With Ice) b. 1.5oz Vodka c. 0.5oz Brahmin or Bighorner Bouillon d. Top with Homemade Clamato or Tato Juice e. Garnish with a Carrot stick <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: 11 Caps | $15.84 Fallout 4: 14 Caps | $20.16 [Add Bacon for 1 Cap | $1.44] Fallout 76: 11 Caps | $15.84
Info: The Bloody Larry is similar to a Bloody Mary. Unfortunately the cocktail is quickly going out of style in the wasteland due to the extinction of Tomato's (and Potatoes) in 2287. People were then forced to switched to the mutated hybrid Tato. Tato now fills the role of Tomato's and Potatoes for most of the eastern United States making the Bloody Larry possible to make still but the cost is steep. The Bloody Larry got it's name in New Vegas sometime after The First Battle of Hoover Dam. A seemingly wealthy man by the name of Larry had taken up residence in the Gomorrah. Larry quickly became a frequent customer at the Brimstone Bar where he could always be found drinking a Bloody Mary. Well one day before Larry had arrived for his usual, a mysterious man in a long trench coat was at the Brimstone having a drink. Upon Larry's arrival The Mysterious Stranger jumped up out of his chair, pulled out a Revolver and shot Larry dead. It was unclear why The Mysterious Stranger killed Larry as he seemingly disappeared in the commotion that ensued after Larry was shot. However things quickly came to light once Larry's personal items were recovered. Wedding rings, lockets, pocket watches and more all matched the descriptions of missing persons from a once occupied town a few miles south of New Vegas. Since the incident, the cocktail has forever been referred to as the Bloody Larry. However, if you were to visit New Vegas today you may notice that the Bloody Larry no longer contains Tomato. But due to it's popularity the casinos of New Vegas have done everything in their power to try to mimic the Bloody Larry with new ingredients. Although most agree it just doesn't taste the same.
5. Blackberry Lemon Drop a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice) b. Add 2oz of Vodka to Cocktail Shaker c. Muddle Blackberries in Cocktail Shaker d. Add 2oz of Lemonade to Cocktail Shaker e. Add Ice, Shake and Pour f. Garnish with Blackberries on a toothpick <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: N/A Fallout 4: N/A' Fallout 76: 5 Caps | $7.20
Info: The Blackberry Lemon Drop is similar to the Blueberry Lemon Drop. However, because there are no Lemons for trade, Lemonade must be purchased from Mr. Squeeze. Ironically, it doesn't contain any Lemons as Mr. Squeeze says he uses alternate ingredients to make it taste like lemonade.
6. Mut-Berry Martini a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice) b. Add 3oz of Vodka to the Cocktail Shaker c. Muddle Tarberries in Cocktail Shaker d. Add 1oz of Mutfruit Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker e. Add Ice, Shake or Stir & Pour f. Garnish with a slice of Mutfruit <> Fallout 3 "Mutfruit Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout 3 "Apple Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout 3 "Pear Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout New Vegas "Mutfruit Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout New Vegas "Apple Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout New Vegas "Pear Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout New Vegas "Prickly Pear Martini" Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20 Fallout New Vegas "Barrel Cactus Fruit Martini" Alternative: 8 Caps | $11.52 Fallout New Vegas "Banana Yucca Fruit Martini" Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout New Vegas "Mojave Martini" Alternative: 11 Caps | $15.84 Fallout 4: 12 Caps | $17.28 Fallout 4 "Mutfruit Martini" Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 4 "Melon Martini" Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 4 "Tartini" Alternative: 12 Caps | $17.28 Fallout 4 "Gourds & Cream Martini" Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout 76: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout 76 "Mutfruit Martini" Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 76 "Melon Martini" Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32 Fallout 76 "Tartini" Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20 Fallout 76 "Cranberry Martini" Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20 Fallout 76 "Gourd Spice Martini" Alternative: 8 Caps | $11.52 Fallout 76 "Pumpkin Spice Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout 76 "Blackberry Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout 76 "Starlight Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96 Fallout 76 "Mothman Martini" Alternative: 11 Caps | $15.84
Info: Martinis will still be a thing in Post Apocalyptic America. However with Vermouth being impractical to make and hard to find, you will have to say goodbye to the Classic Martini. Only flavored Martinis will be available in the wasteland. For those visiting New Vegas, if you didn't like the new version of the Bloody Larry you should consider trying a Mojave Martini before leaving town. If anyone out there truly loves Martini's I highly recommend you visit Appalachia. That region is home to a large variety of fruits making it a perfect place to drink some Martini's.
6. Mojave Martini (Alterative) a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice) b. Add 1oz of Vodka to the Cocktail Shaker c. Muddle Prickly Pear Flesh in Cocktail Shaker d. Add 1oz of Barrel Cactus Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker e. Add 1oz of Banana Yucca Fruit Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker e. Add Ice, Shake or Stir & Pour f. Garnish with a Prickly Pear Wheel (Description: This cocktail's appearance will be dominated by the muddled prickly pears, appearing Purple-Red in color. The prickly pear wheel garnish should be Green, showing off the White-Yellow insides with the seeds)
6. Pumpkin Spice Martini (Alterative) a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice) b. Add 2oz of Vodka to the Cocktail Shaker d. Add 1oz of Pumpkin Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker e. Add 1/2oz of Cream to the Cocktail Shaker e. Add 1/2oz of Pumpkin Puree to the Cocktail Shaker e. Add Ice, Shake & Pour f. Garnish with Homemade Whipped Sweet Cream topped with a pinch of Spices (Description: The Pumpkin Spice Martini should resemble pumpkin pie with an Opaque Orange color topped with Homemade Whipped Sweet Cream and Spices)
6. Mothman Martini (Alterative) a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice) b. Add 1.5oz of Vodka to the Cocktail Shaker c. Add. 1oz Starlight Fruit Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker d. Add 1oz of Firecracker Fruit Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker e. Add 1/2oz Lemonade to the Cocktail Shaker f. Add 1/4oz Mothman Eggwhites to the Cocktail Shaker e. Add Ice, Shake & Pour f. Garnish with Starlight Fruit on a Toothpick (Description: This cocktail should have a perfect orange hue to it. Paired with the Yellow Starlight Fruit Garnish, the Mothman Martini would be perfect for Halloween)
7. Root Beer Rum Float a, Pint Glass (No Ice) b. Add 1 Scoop of Homemade Iced Cream to Pint Glass c. Add 2oz Rum d. Add 6oz of Nuka-Wild <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: N/A Fallout 4: 20 Caps | $28.80 Fallout 4 "Nuka-Cola Float" Alternative: 20 Caps | $28.80 Fallout 4 "Vim Float" Alternative: 20 Caps | $28.80 Fallout 76: [Unaffordable]
Info: Though still probably unaffordable at 20 Caps, the Root Beer Rum Float is proof that if you have enough Caps, you can indulge in some of the delicacies of the Wasteland. If you're visiting Appalachia you can still gather the supplies to make your own Homemade Iced Cream but at a huge cost since Brahmin milk is much more expensive there.
8. Black & Tan a. Pint Glass (No Ice) b. Add 8oz of Ale to Glass c. Layer 8oz of Stout on top of Ale <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: N/A Fallout 4: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout 76: 7 Caps | $10.08
Info: This cocktail is simple and does not require Ice to make or drink so it might gain a lot of popularity in Post Apocalyptic America.
9. Rum & Cola a. Rocks Glass (With Ice) b. Add 2oz Rum c. Fill with 2.5oz of Nuka-Cola <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: N/A Fallout 4: N/A Fallout 76: 11 Caps | $15.84
Info: If you thought Rum & Cola would be a thing in the wasteland then you thought wrong. Nuka-Cola and Vim cost about 20 caps per bottle making it difficult for bars to work with. However, in Appalachia the cost of a basic Nuka-Cola is only 10 Caps. Though this is much cheaper in comparison to other cities, if I'm paying 11 Caps I'd rather get a Mothman Martini.
10. New Vegas Bomb a. 2oz Shot Glass b. Add 1oz of Vodka to Shot Glass c. Add 1/4oz Barrel Cactus Fruit Schnapps to Shot Glass d. Add 3/4oz Prickly Pear Juice e. Fill a Rocks Glass with 8oz of Sunset Sarsaparilla <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 4: "Boston Bomb" Alternative: 12 Caps | $17.28 Fallout 76: "Firecracker Bomb" Alternative: 14 Caps | $20.16
Info: The New Vegas Bomb is the Post Apocalyptic version of the Vegas Bomb. In prewar times the Vegas Bomb was often drank in what was considered the "New Vegas" area. So to be fair, it should be called the New New Vegas Bomb.

1. Boston Bomb (Alternative) a. 2oz Shot Glass b. Add 1oz of Whiskey to Shot Glass c. Add 1/4oz Mutfruit Schnapps to Shot Glass d. Add 3/4oz Tarberry Juice e. Fill a Rocks Glass with 8oz of Nuka-Bombdrop (Description: This Mutfruit and Tarberry cocktail gets it's name from the bomb that destroyed Boston in 2077, the one that many believe created the Glowing Sea)

10. Firecracker Bomb (Alternative) a. 2oz Shot Glass b. Add 1oz of Whiskey to Shot Glass c. Add 1/4oz Firecracker Schnapps to Shot Glass d. Add 3/4oz Cranberry Juice e. Fill a Rocks Glass with 8oz of Nuka-Cherry (Description: This cocktail gets its name from the exploding fruit that is native to the region. Don't worry though, they're safe to consume once picked)
11. Cherry Berry Fizz a. Collins Glass (With Ice) b. 2oz Vodka c. 2.5oz Tarberry Juice d. 2.5oz Nuka-Cherry e. Garnish with Tarberries on a Toothpick <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: N/A Fallout 4: 15 Caps | 21.60 Fallout 76: 8 Caps | $11.52 Fallout 76 "Cherry-Cranberry Fizz" Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallut 76 "Black-Cherry Fizz" Alternative: 10 Caps | $14.40
Info: This cocktail is sweet and refreshing, a perfect choice if you're visiting Nuka-World. It's definitely not cheap, but you're in Nuka-World, you're on vacation! I hope...
11. Black-Cherry Fizz (Alternative) a. Collins Glass (With Ice) b. 2oz Vodka c. 2.5oz Blackberry Juice d. 2.5oz Nuka-Cherry e. Garnish with Blackberries on a Toothpick (Description: Unlike the Red Cherry-Berry Fizz the Black-Cherry Fizz uses Blackberries instead of Tarberries making it's appearance Purple)
12. Liquor & Juice a. Rocks Glass (With Ice) b. 1.5z Vodka c. 3oz Apple Juice d. Garnish with a slice of Apple <> Fallout 3: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout 3 Mutfruit Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout New Vegas: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout New Vegas Mutfruit Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout 4 Mutfruit Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 4 Tarberry Alternative: 11 Caps | $15.84 Fallout 4 Melon Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88 Fallout 76 Mutfruit Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 76 Tarberry Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20 Fallout 76 Cap Codder Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32
Info: Another wasteland favorite, Liquor & Juice is a step up from Whiskey & Water. And if you're careful about what you buy you can get away without spending much.
13. B.O.S.sy Boy a. Rocks Glass (With Ice) b. Add 1.5oz Vodka c. Add 0.5oz Lemonade d. Top with 2.5oz of Experimental Tea <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: N/A Fallout 4: 9 Caps | 12.96 Fallout 76: N/A
Info: The Bossy Boy got it's name from the Brotherhood of Steel Faction who are responsible for making the Experimental Plant. Though some claim it's addictive, it's probably not something that concerns you if you're drinking it with Alcohol.
14. Pink Panty Dropper a. Rocks Glass (With Ice) b. Add 1.5oz Vodka c. Add 0.5oz Tarberry Juice d. Add 1.5oz Lemonade e, Add 1oz Lager f. Garnish with Tarberries on a Toothpick <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas; N/A Fallout 4: 4 Caps | $5.76 Fallout 76: 3 Caps | $4.32
Info: This cocktail is perfect to get the night started. It's relatively cheap and tastes delicious. Though the original recipe does call for Strawberries, Tarberries will have to do for now.
15. Brave Brahmin a. Rocks Glass (With Ice) b. 1.5oz Tequila c. 1/4oz Ant Nectar or Sugar d. 2 3/4oz Black Coffee <> Fallout 3: N/A Fallout New Vegas: 7 Caps | $10.08 Fallout 4: N/A Fallout 76: 7 Caps | $10.08
Info: The Brave Brahmin is similar to the Brave Bull, and with Citrus being almost non-existent the Brave Brahmin is a nice change of pace since it's a Tequila Cocktail. Sure, Tequila has stood the test of time and survived the nuclear apocalypse, but clearly Margaritas have not.
Thankyou For reading!
The following are just a few Recipes I didn't include above
​
~Fallout 4 & Fallout 76 Mutfruit Schnapps Recipe~ 4 Mutfruits, Honey or Sap and 1 Bottle of Vodka = 1L Homemade Apple Schnapps Cost to make (35 Caps | $50.40) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (70 Caps | $100.80) Cost per ounce x3 markup (3 Caps | $4.32)
​
~Fallout 4 Homemeade Clamato Recipe~ 1 Carrot, 1 Softshell Mirelurk Meat, 3 Tatos, 1 Thistle = 1L Homemade Clamato Cost to make (54 Caps | $77.76) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (108 Caps | $155.52) Cost per ounce x3 markup (5 Caps | $7.20)
~Fallout 76 Homemeade Clamato Recipe~ 1 Carrot, 1 Softshell Mirelurk Meat, 3 Tatos, 1 Thistle, Salt, Pepper = 1L Homemade Clamato Cost to make (47 Caps | $67.68) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (94 Caps | $135.36) Cost per ounce x3 markup (4 Caps | $5.76)
~Fallout New Vegas Homemeade Clamato Recipe~ 1 Carrot, 5 Jalapeño's, 1 Honey Mesquite Pod, 1 Tablespoon of Thin Red Paste = 1L Homemade Clamato Cost to make (48 Caps | $69.12) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (96 Caps | $138.24) Cost per ounce x3 markup (4 Caps | $5.76)
~Fallout 4 Homemade Cream Recipe~ 3/4 Cup Brahmin Milk, 1/3 Cup Industrial Shortening = 1 Cup/8oz Heavy Cream Cost to make (9 Caps | $12.96) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (18 Caps | $25.92) Cost per ounce x3 markup (3 Caps | $4.32)
~Fallout 76 Homemade Cream Recipe~ 3/4 Cup Brahmin Milk, 1/3 Cup Industrial Shortening = 1 Cup/8oz Heavy Cream Cost to make (24 Caps | $34.56) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (48 Caps | $69.12) Cost per ounce x3 markup (9 Caps | $12.96)
~Fallout 4 Homemade Whipped Sweet Cream Recipe~ 1/4 cup Water, 1 Cup Brahmin Milk, 1/4 Cup Sap = 2 Cups/16oz Whipped Sweet Cream [182 Servings] Cost to make (26 Caps | $37.44) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (52 Caps | $74.88) Cost per serving x3 markup (1 Cap | $1.44)
~Fallout 76 Homemade Whipped Sweet Cream Recipe~ 1/4 cup Water, 1 Cup Brahmin Milk, 1/4 Cup Sugar = 2 Cups/16oz Whipped Sweet Cream [182 Servings] Cost to make (44 Caps | $63.36) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (88 Caps | $126.72) Cost per serving x3 markup (1 Cap | $1.44)
~Fallout 4 Homemade Iced Cream Recipe~ 1 3/4 Cups Cream, 1 1/4 Cups Brahmin Milk 3/4 Cup Sap = 4 Cups/64oz Iced Cream Cost to make (37 Caps | $53.28) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (74 Caps | $106.56) Cost per 6oz Scoop x3 markup (10 Caps | $14.40) Written By Bazil2013 aka NoModMaster 10/12/20 📷ReplyForward

The Date is 8/21/2288
Introduction: Let's say you are in Fallout and you walk into a bar. Depending on which Fallout Title you find yourself in the alcohol selection and cocktails may change. I'm going to list cocktails that would still be possible to make in Post-Apocalyptic America along with their Availability and Price in Caps. And thanks to [dwill2168] from GameFAQs I will also be providing a price in USD. [dwill2168] was able to find the value of a Cap in USD (2009) 1 Cap = .69 cents & 1 Dollar = 1.44 caps. This will help show you how the value of each cocktail has changed in Post-Apocalyptic America.
​
1. Nuka-Ria
a. Red Wine Glass (No Ice)
b. Use Diced Mutfruit & Tarberries instead of Ice
c. Fill 2/3rds with Red Wine
d. Top with 1/3 Nuka-Cola Orange
e. Garnish with 3 thin slices of Mutfruit
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas Sarsapa(gria) Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout 4: 8 Caps | $11.52
Fallout 76: 11 Caps | $15.84
Fallout 76: Blackberry Alternative: 12 Caps | $17.28
​
Info: The Nuka-Ria and Sarsapagria are the Post-Apocalyptic versions of the Sangria. It seems that Post-Apocalyptic America is severely lacking citrus fruits like Oranges, Lemons, Limes, Grapefruits, Pineapples etc. So Nuka-Orange or Sunset Sarsaparilla was used in place of the Orange Juice and Lemon Lime Soda. Peaches were replaced by Tarberries, and Barrel Cactus Fruit or Mutfruit can be used if you don't have any Fresh Apples. Don't forget to try the Blackberry Alternative If you're visiting Appalachia.
​
1. Sarsapagria (Alternative)
a. Red Wine Glass (No Ice)
b. Use Diced Fresh Apple & Barrel Cactus Fruit instead of Ice
c. Fill 2/3rds with Red Wine
d. Top with 1/3 Sunset Sarsaparilla
e. Garnish with 3 thin slices of Fresh Apple
(Description: This cocktail should appear Yellow-Orange in appearance with the skins of the diced red apple pieces being semi-visible)
​
2. Whiskey & Water
a. Small Rocks glass (With Ice)
b. Add 2oz Whiskey
c. Top with Purified Water
<>
Fallout 3: 3 Caps | $4.32
Fallout 3: "Dirty Whiskey" Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32
Fallout 3: Aqua Pura Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88
Fallout New Vegas: 3 Caps | $4.32
Fallout New Vegas Dixon's Whiskey Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20
Fallout New Vegas: "Dirty Whiskey" Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32
Fallout New Vegas: "Dirty Dixon" Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32
Fallout 4: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 4: Bourbon Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout 4: "Dirty Whiskey" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88
Fallout 4: "Dirty Bourbon" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88
Fallout 4: "Drugged Whiskey" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88
Fallout 4: "Drugged Bourbon" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88
Fallout 4: Aqua Pura Alternative: 1 Cap | $1.44
Fallout 4: Aqua Pura & Bourbon Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88
Fallout 4: Institute Water Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32
Fallout 4: Bourbon & Institute Water Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32
Fallout 76: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 76: Bourbon Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 76: "Dirty Whiskey" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88
Fallout 76: "Dirty Bourbon" Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88
Fallout 76: "Whiskey & Toxic" Alternative: 1 Cap | $1.44
Fallout 76: "Bourbon & Toxic" Alternative: 1 Cap | $1.44
​
Info: Due to the lack of ingredients in the wasteland, Whiskey & Water might have gained some popularity. This cocktail is cheap yet refreshing since it comes with Ice. However, cocktails that come with ice will be much less accessible to those living in the wasteland since it requires electricity to make. Ice-based cocktails will probably only be available to purchase in major cities like New Vegas, Vault City, Diamond City, Megaton, Good Neighbor and even some of the larger settlements of the wasteland. Some cocktails will use nicknames based on their ingredients like a "Drugged Whiskey" which uses Drugged Water and Whiskey as it's main ingredients.
​
3. The Washington Apple
a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice)
b. Add 1.3oz of Whiskey to Cocktail Shaker
c. Add 1.3oz of Mutfruit Schnapps to Cocktail Shaker
d. Add 1.3oz of Cranberry Juice to Cocktail Shaker
e. Add Ice Shake and Pour
f. Garnish with a slice of Mutfruit
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: N/A
Fallout 4 Tarberry Juice Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout 76: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout 76 Tarberry Juice Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
​
Info: Notice Fallout 4 can only make an alternate version of The Washington Apple using Tarberry Juice. Sure it costs more and you might even soak up a few Rads, but most would agree that the taste of Tarberries is much better than Cranberries.
​
4. Bloody Larry
a. Cocktail Glass (With Ice)
b. 1.5oz Vodka
c. 0.5oz Brahmin or Bighorner Bouillon
d. Top with Homemade Clamato or Tato Juice
e. Garnish with a Carrot stick
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: 11 Caps | $15.84
Fallout 4: 14 Caps | $20.16 [Add Bacon for 1 Cap | $1.44]
Fallout 76: 11 Caps | $15.84
​
Info: The Bloody Larry is similar to a Bloody Mary. Unfortunately the cocktail is quickly going out of style in the wasteland due to the extinction of Tomato's (and Potatoes) in 2287. People were then forced to switched to the mutated hybrid Tato. Tato now fills the role of Tomato's and Potatoes for most of the eastern United States making the Bloody Larry possible to make still but the cost is steep. The Bloody Larry got it's name in New Vegas sometime after The First Battle of Hoover Dam. A seemingly wealthy man by the name of Larry had taken up residence in the Gomorrah. Larry quickly became a frequent customer at the Brimstone Bar where he could always be found drinking a Bloody Mary. Well one day before Larry had arrived for his usual, a mysterious man in a long trench coat was at the Brimstone having a drink. Upon Larry's arrival The Mysterious Stranger jumped up out of his chair, pulled out a Revolver and shot Larry dead. It was unclear why The Mysterious Stranger killed Larry as he seemingly disappeared in the commotion that ensued after Larry was shot. However things quickly came to light once Larry's personal items were recovered. Wedding rings, lockets, pocket watches and more all matched the descriptions of missing persons from a once occupied town a few miles south of New Vegas. Since the incident, the cocktail has forever been referred to as the Bloody Larry. However, if you were to visit New Vegas today you may notice that the Bloody Larry no longer contains Tomato. But due to it's popularity the casinos of New Vegas have done everything in their power to try to mimic the Bloody Larry with new ingredients. Although most agree it just doesn't taste the same.
​
5. Blackberry Lemon Drop
a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice)
b. Add 2oz of Vodka to Cocktail Shaker
c. Muddle Blackberries in Cocktail Shaker
d. Add 2oz of Lemonade to Cocktail Shaker
e. Add Ice, Shake and Pour
f. Garnish with Blackberries on a toothpick
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: N/A
Fallout 4: N/A'
Fallout 76: 5 Caps | $7.20
​
Info: The Blackberry Lemon Drop is similar to the Blueberry Lemon Drop. However, because there are no Lemons for trade, Lemonade must be purchased from Mr. Squeeze. Ironically, it doesn't contain any Lemons as Mr. Squeeze says he uses alternate ingredients to make it taste like lemonade.
​
6. Mut-Berry Martini
a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice)
b. Add 3oz of Vodka to the Cocktail Shaker
c. Muddle Tarberries in Cocktail Shaker
d. Add 1oz of Mutfruit Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker
e. Add Ice, Shake or Stir & Pour
f. Garnish with a slice of Mutfruit
<>
Fallout 3 "Mutfruit Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout 3 "Apple Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout 3 "Pear Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout New Vegas "Mutfruit Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout New Vegas "Apple Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout New Vegas "Pear Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout New Vegas "Prickly Pear Martini" Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20
Fallout New Vegas "Barrel Cactus Fruit Martini" Alternative: 8 Caps | $11.52
Fallout New Vegas "Banana Yucca Fruit Martini" Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout New Vegas "Mojave Martini" Alternative: 11 Caps | $15.84
Fallout 4: 12 Caps | $17.28
Fallout 4 "Mutfruit Martini" Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 4 "Melon Martini" Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 4 "Tartini" Alternative: 12 Caps | $17.28
Fallout 4 "Gourds & Cream Martini" Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout 76: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout 76 "Mutfruit Martini" Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 76 "Melon Martini" Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32
Fallout 76 "Tartini" Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20
Fallout 76 "Cranberry Martini" Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20
Fallout 76 "Gourd Spice Martini" Alternative: 8 Caps | $11.52
Fallout 76 "Pumpkin Spice Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout 76 "Blackberry Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout 76 "Starlight Martini" Alternative: 9 Caps | $12.96
Fallout 76 "Mothman Martini" Alternative: 11 Caps | $15.84
​
Info: Martinis will still be a thing in Post Apocalyptic America. However with Vermouth being impractical to make and hard to find, you will have to say goodbye to the Classic Martini. Only flavored Martinis will be available in the wasteland. For those visiting New Vegas, if you didn't like the new version of the Bloody Larry you should consider trying a Mojave Martini before leaving town. If anyone out there truly loves Martini's I highly recommend you visit Appalachia. That region is home to a large variety of fruits making it a perfect place to drink some Martini's.
​

1. Mojave Martini (Alterative)

a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice)
b. Add 1oz of Vodka to the Cocktail Shaker
c. Muddle Prickly Pear Flesh in Cocktail Shaker
d. Add 1oz of Barrel Cactus Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker
e. Add 1oz of Banana Yucca Fruit Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker
e. Add Ice, Shake or Stir & Pour
f. Garnish with a Prickly Pear Wheel
(Description: This cocktail's appearance will be dominated by the muddled prickly pears, appearing Purple-Red in color. The prickly pear wheel garnish should be Green, showing off the White-Yellow insides with the seeds)
​

1. Pumpkin Spice Martini (Alterative)

a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice)
b. Add 2oz of Vodka to the Cocktail Shaker
d. Add 1oz of Pumpkin Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker
e. Add 1/2oz of Cream to the Cocktail Shaker
e. Add 1/2oz of Pumpkin Puree to the Cocktail Shaker
e. Add Ice, Shake & Pour
f. Garnish with Homemade Whipped Sweet Cream topped with a pinch of Spices
(Description: The Pumpkin Spice Martini should resemble pumpkin pie with an Opaque Orange color topped with Homemade Whipped Sweet Cream and Spices)
​

1. Mothman Martini (Alterative)

a. Cocktail Glass (No Ice)
b. Add 1.5oz of Vodka to the Cocktail Shaker
c. Add. 1oz Starlight Fruit Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker
d. Add 1oz of Firecracker Fruit Schnapps to the Cocktail Shaker
e. Add 1/2oz Lemonade to the Cocktail Shaker
f. Add 1/4oz Mothman Eggwhites to the Cocktail Shaker
e. Add Ice, Shake & Pour
f. Garnish with Starlight Fruit on a Toothpick
(Description: This cocktail should have a perfect orange hue to it. Paired with the Yellow Starlight Fruit Garnish, the Mothman Martini would be perfect for Halloween)
​
7. Root Beer Rum Float
a, Pint Glass (No Ice)
b. Add 1 Scoop of Homemade Iced Cream to Pint Glass
c. Add 2oz Rum
d. Add 6oz of Nuka-Wild
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: N/A
Fallout 4: 20 Caps | $28.80
Fallout 4 "Nuka-Cola Float" Alternative: 20 Caps | $28.80
Fallout 4 "Vim Float" Alternative: 20 Caps | $28.80
Fallout 76: [Unaffordable]
​
Info: Though still probably unaffordable at 20 Caps, the Root Beer Rum Float is proof that if you have enough Caps, you can indulge in some of the delicacies of the Wasteland. If you're visiting Appalachia you can still gather the supplies to make your own Homemade Iced Cream but at a huge cost since Brahmin milk is much more expensive there.
​
8. Black & Tan
a. Pint Glass (No Ice)
b. Add 8oz of Ale to Glass
c. Layer 8oz of Stout on top of Ale
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: N/A
Fallout 4: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout 76: 7 Caps | $10.08
​
Info: This cocktail is simple and does not require Ice to make or drink so it might gain a lot of popularity in Post Apocalyptic America.
​
9. Rum & Cola
a. Rocks Glass (With Ice)
b. Add 2oz Rum
c. Fill with 2.5oz of Nuka-Cola
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: N/A
Fallout 4: N/A
Fallout 76: 11 Caps | $15.84
​
Info: If you thought Rum & Cola would be a thing in the wasteland then you thought wrong. Nuka-Cola and Vim cost about 20 caps per bottle making it difficult for bars to work with. However, in Appalachia the cost of a basic Nuka-Cola is only 10 Caps. Though this is much cheaper in comparison to other cities, if I'm paying 11 Caps I'd rather get a Mothman Martini.
​
10. New Vegas Bomb
a. 2oz Shot Glass
b. Add 1oz of Vodka to Shot Glass
c. Add 1/4oz Barrel Cactus Fruit Schnapps to Shot Glass
d. Add 3/4oz Prickly Pear Juice
e. Fill a Rocks Glass with 8oz of Sunset Sarsaparilla
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 4: "Boston Bomb" Alternative: 12 Caps | $17.28
Fallout 76: "Firecracker Bomb" Alternative: 14 Caps | $20.16
​
Info: The New Vegas Bomb is the Post Apocalyptic version of the Vegas Bomb. In prewar times the Vegas Bomb was often drank in what was considered the "New Vegas" area. So to be fair, it should be called the New New Vegas Bomb.
​

1. Boston Bomb (Alternative)

a. 2oz Shot Glass
b. Add 1oz of Whiskey to Shot Glass
c. Add 1/4oz Mutfruit Schnapps to Shot Glass
d. Add 3/4oz Tarberry Juice
e. Fill a Rocks Glass with 8oz of Nuka-Bombdrop
(Description: This Mutfruit and Tarberry cocktail gets it's name from the bomb that destroyed Boston in 2077, the one that many believe created the Glowing Sea)
​

1. Firecracker Bomb (Alternative)

a. 2oz Shot Glass
b. Add 1oz of Whiskey to Shot Glass
c. Add 1/4oz Firecracker Schnapps to Shot Glass
d. Add 3/4oz Cranberry Juice
e. Fill a Rocks Glass with 8oz of Nuka-Cherry
(Description: This cocktail gets its name from the exploding fruit that is native to the region. Don't worry though, they're safe to consume once picked)
​
11. Cherry Berry Fizz
a. Collins Glass (With Ice)
b. 2oz Vodka
c. 2.5oz Tarberry Juice
d. 2.5oz Nuka-Cherry
e. Garnish with Tarberries on a Toothpick
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: N/A
Fallout 4: 15 Caps | 21.60
Fallout 76: 8 Caps | $11.52
Fallout 76 "Cherry-Cranberry Fizz" Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallut 76 "Black-Cherry Fizz" Alternative: 10 Caps | $14.40
​
Info: This cocktail is sweet and refreshing, a perfect choice if you're visiting Nuka-World. It's definitely not cheap, but you're in Nuka-World, you're on vacation! I hope...
​

1. Black-Cherry Fizz (Alternative)

a. Collins Glass (With Ice)
b. 2oz Vodka
c. 2.5oz Blackberry Juice
d. 2.5oz Nuka-Cherry
e. Garnish with Blackberries on a Toothpick
(Description: Unlike the Red Cherry-Berry Fizz the Black-Cherry Fizz uses Blackberries instead of Tarberries making it's appearance Purple)
​
12. Liquor & Juice
a. Rocks Glass (With Ice)
b. 1.5z Vodka
c. 3oz Apple Juice
d. Garnish with a slice of Apple
<>
Fallout 3: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout 3 Mutfruit Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout New Vegas: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout New Vegas Mutfruit Alternative: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout 4 Mutfruit Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 4 Tarberry Alternative: 11 Caps | $15.84
Fallout 4 Melon Alternative: 2 Caps | $2.88
Fallout 76 Mutfruit Alternative: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 76 Tarberry Alternative: 5 Caps | $7.20
Fallout 76 Cap Codder Alternative: 3 Caps | $4.32
​
Info: Another wasteland favorite, Liquor & Juice is a step up from Whiskey & Water. And if you're careful about what you buy you can get away without spending much.
​
13. B.O.S.sy Boy
a. Rocks Glass (With Ice)
b. Add 1.5oz Vodka
c. Add 0.5oz Lemonade
d. Top with 2.5oz of Experimental Tea
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: N/A
Fallout 4: 9 Caps | 12.96
Fallout 76: N/A
​
Info: The Bossy Boy got it's name from the Brotherhood of Steel Faction who are responsible for making the Experimental Plant. Though some claim it's addictive, it's probably not something that concerns you if you're drinking it with Alcohol.
​
14. Pink Panty Dropper
a. Rocks Glass (With Ice)
b. Add 1.5oz Vodka
c. Add 0.5oz Tarberry Juice
d. Add 1.5oz Lemonade
e, Add 1oz Lager
f. Garnish with Tarberries on a Toothpick
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas; N/A
Fallout 4: 4 Caps | $5.76
Fallout 76: 3 Caps | $4.32
​
Info: This cocktail is perfect to get the night started. It's relatively cheap and tastes delicious. Though the original recipe does call for Strawberries, Tarberries will have to do for now.
​
15. Brave Brahmin
a. Rocks Glass (With Ice)
b. 1.5oz Tequila
c. 1/4oz Ant Nectar or Sugar
d. 2 3/4oz Black Coffee
<>
Fallout 3: N/A
Fallout New Vegas: 7 Caps | $10.08
Fallout 4: N/A
Fallout 76: 7 Caps | $10.08
​
Info: The Brave Brahmin is similar to the Brave Bull, and with Citrus being almost non-existent the Brave Brahmin is a nice change of pace since it's a Tequila Cocktail. Sure, Tequila has stood the test of time and survived the nuclear apocalypse, but clearly Margaritas have not.
​
Thankyou For reading!
​
The following are just a few Recipes I didn't include above
​
~Fallout 4 & Fallout 76 Mutfruit Schnapps Recipe~
4 Mutfruits, Honey or Sap and 1 Bottle of Vodka = 1L Homemade Apple Schnapps
Cost to make (35 Caps | $50.40) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (70 Caps | $100.80) Cost per ounce x3 markup (3 Caps | $4.32)
​
~Fallout 4 Homemeade Clamato Recipe~
1 Carrot, 1 Softshell Mirelurk Meat, 3 Tatos, 1 Thistle = 1L Homemade Clamato
Cost to make (54 Caps | $77.76) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (108 Caps | $155.52) Cost per ounce x3 markup (5 Caps | $7.20)
​
~Fallout 76 Homemeade Clamato Recipe~
1 Carrot, 1 Softshell Mirelurk Meat, 3 Tatos, 1 Thistle, Salt, Pepper = 1L Homemade Clamato
Cost to make (47 Caps | $67.68) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (94 Caps | $135.36) Cost per ounce x3 markup (4 Caps | $5.76)
​
~Fallout New Vegas Homemeade Clamato Recipe~
1 Carrot, 5 Jalapeño's, 1 Honey Mesquite Pod, 1 Tablespoon of Thin Red Paste = 1L Homemade Clamato
Cost to make (48 Caps | $69.12) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (96 Caps | $138.24) Cost per ounce x3 markup (4 Caps | $5.76)
​
~Fallout 4 Homemade Cream Recipe~
3/4 Cup Brahmin Milk, 1/3 Cup Industrial Shortening = 1 Cup/8oz Heavy Cream
Cost to make (9 Caps | $12.96) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (18 Caps | $25.92) Cost per ounce x3 markup (3 Caps | $4.32)
​
~Fallout 76 Homemade Cream Recipe~
3/4 Cup Brahmin Milk, 1/3 Cup Industrial Shortening = 1 Cup/8oz Heavy Cream
Cost to make (24 Caps | $34.56) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (48 Caps | $69.12) Cost per ounce x3 markup (9 Caps | $12.96)
​
~Fallout 4 Homemade Whipped Sweet Cream Recipe~
1/4 cup Water, 1 Cup Brahmin Milk, 1/4 Cup Sap = 2 Cups/16oz Whipped Sweet Cream [182 Servings]
Cost to make (26 Caps | $37.44) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (52 Caps | $74.88) Cost per serving x3 markup (1 Cap | $1.44)
​
~Fallout 76 Homemade Whipped Sweet Cream Recipe~
1/4 cup Water, 1 Cup Brahmin Milk, 1/4 Cup Sugar = 2 Cups/16oz Whipped Sweet Cream [182 Servings]
Cost to make (44 Caps | $63.36) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (88 Caps | $126.72) Cost per serving x3 markup (1 Cap | $1.44)
​
~Fallout 4 Homemade Iced Cream Recipe~
1 3/4 Cups Cream, 1 1/4 Cups Brahmin Milk 3/4 Cup Sap = 4 Cups/64oz Iced Cream
Cost to make (37 Caps | $53.28) Cost per bottle x2 markup, selling price (74 Caps | $106.56) Cost per 6oz Scoop x3 markup (10 Caps | $14.40)

That reminds me of a story.
After that last one, I thought you might all enjoy a short follow up.
After Al, Chuck, Leo, returned to their other lives back in the world, they kept getting requests from various Agencies and Bureaus for more mine closure data, mostly focusing upon lines of documentation. The various Bureaus desired monographs, road guides, technical reports, and most importantly, detailed step-by-step “How To” manuals.
My guys, now my fully credentialed doctored colleagues, were predictably reticent to write up “How To” manuals for something that was obviously not of their authorship nor inception.
“Fuckin’-A, Rock,” Leo tells me in a phone call, “They want me to fuckin’ basically claim-jump you writing up mine closing procedures. What’s with these goatfuckers? They figured they paid you enough and are now trying to run a goddamned end around? Collective shitheels. No fucking way I’d even think of crossing, even accidently, the Motherfuckin’ Pro from Dover.”
I replied that I had no idea, as after the initial contacts after the field season, I had heard precisely dick from any of the bureaus. Which is fine, as I’m busier than a one-armed paperhanger in a windstorm getting ready to shift the family some 12,700 kilometers east.
I thanked Leo for the intel and told him not to worry, it’s just bureaucracy misfiring at its finest.
“Fuckin’-A, Bubba,” replies Leo as he hangs up.
It suddenly goes all dusty in my office. “I’ve trained that boy well,” I sniff and chuckle heartily.
A short while later, Al wrote me that he’s been contacted by the Bureau/Agency and they are desirous that he lead a field trip with a gaggle of professors from various universities. They are also not all geologists, but Environmental Scientists, Hydrologists, something called an “Environmental Engineer,” and other forms of societal detritus.
He tells me that they wanted him to lead a group of these characters out into the desert for a couple of weeks and show them the mine closure procedures which he developed.
He was most adamant in assuring me that they contacted him, and that the terminology was also theirs. He was already otherwise engaged, so he naturally had to decline. However, he made it abundantly clear that he would never even entertain such a notion like the one they had posited.
I wrote him back, as he was down in Patagonia doing something more or less interesting and/or exciting, thanking him for the information and wishing him well on his expedition. Since he was in the field, I also included a couple of the recipes we enjoyed back in the Nevada desert.
He later tells me that the Gauchos he was working with down there have never heard of Pineapple Upside Down Cake and they absolutely were delighted by it. Come to find out, they also like potato juice and citrus drinks as well.
“Good ol’ Dr. Good-deed. Aide to all men.” I pondered.
I talked with Esme about all this and she was of the opinion that either they knew I was headed east or they wanted me to have some time off. I had been doing a lot of ad hoc work for both Agencies and Bureaus over the last few years.
“Of course,” I replied, “Never ascribe to malice what can best be defined by governmental bureaucracy and officiousness.”
So, time puttered on.
We were holding weekly ‘GROJ (Get Rid Of Junk) sales’ on our weekends. Since everything electrical we possessed was 120 VAC, and the rest of the world, it seems, is 220 VAC, I had to part with all my antiquated electronics. My Fisher Studio-Standard stereo system, Akai reel-to-reel 16-track tape machines, EMI TG12345 MK IV recording console, and Harmon-Kardon turntables and amplifiers.
It was painful. However, I rationalized, if I were to stick them in storage for a decade or two, I’d have re-paid for them via rental fees a couple or three times over. Plus, and all that sitting unused in a storage locker certainly wouldn’t be good for these vintage electronical gizmos.
Still, it was a painful time to pack them into the back of someone else’s vehicle.
I had to take all my firearms to my Brother-in-Law for safekeeping. Since he’s in Kentucky, he was both happy to accept and vowed to give them regular workouts. Even though he’s some form or another of mechanical engineer, I guess I could trust him.
One day, the home phone rings. It’s Chuck and he’s livid.
“Rock!” he hollers, “You know what those chapped bastards at the Bureau want from me? They want me to step in on your turf, and take a clan of idiot pseudo-geologists out in the field for a couple of weeks and train them in mine closing. Can you fucking believe that?”
“Chuck,,” I say, “Whoa. Cool down. Leo and Al report the same, so it just looks like you were next on the list. So, going to take them up on their offer?”
“Don’t make me laugh, Doc!” Chuck asks, “First: I’m busy. Second: I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to handle logistics, camping, explosives, and all that other bureaucratic horseshit you somehow put up with. Third: I really don’t want a midnight visit from you and your bag of tricks because I’ve pissed you off by taking credit for what’s rightfully yours.”
“What is the fucking deal?” I ask Chuck, “I’m not like that at all. Everyone thinks I’m going go out and frag them because the Bureau asks them to do a job I did previously. Damn, I’m the most laid-back, gregarious, and even-tempered person on the planet; and I’ll mutilate the miserable manky motherfucker that says I’m not.”
Chuck laughs nervously.
“Hyperbole aside,” I continue, “It’s just that they know I’m headed out to the Middle East and don’t want to bother me right now; I suppose.”
“Umm, Rock,” Chuck clears his thought, and gulps, “That’s not the reason they told me.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, “What did they give as a reason?”
“Now, Rock, don’t take this wrong. This is Bureau-speak, not me,” Chuck wants to make the point vodka-clear, “But they felt you were the wrong person to lead this group of ‘scholars’. They were concerned with your…”
Hesitation.
“Spill it, Chuck,” I say.
“Demeanor,” Chuck says, “Your conduct, your deportment, your behavior…”
“I see someone got a Thesaurus for Christmas,” I said.
“Rock, that’s them, not me,” Chuck continues, “They said you are too ‘wild and wooly’ to conduct this field expedition of ‘noted scholars’.”
“Is that a fact?” I ask, rhetorically.
“Just reporting to you what they told me, Bossman.” Chuck offers.
“I appreciate it, Chuck. Thanks.” I reply, “Don’t sweat it. I’ll take it from here.”
You could hear an audible expression of relief when we broke connection.
After a couple of cocktails, I had simmered down a bit. Esme says that I need to call my Agency buddies and get the lowdown on the situation, as they’ll know what’s going on.
For once, Esme is also very, very pissed off about the whole situation. Mama Bear’s claws were getting sharpened.
“You are gone for months,” Es exclaims, “Train a bunch of greenhorns, exceed project requirements by over 200%, supply crucial scientific data on forensic activities, and take out a disaster they didn’t even know existed in that mine with the locker full of explosives!”
“Yeah,” I reply, “Does seem a wee bit unappreciative.”
“And then they pull this kind of shit!,” Es yells further, “Those ungrateful bastards. Fuck ‘em. Let them stew in their own futility. They call and you tell them to get stuffed. After all you did for them…”
“Now, now, Dearest,” say, “Let me call Rack and Ruin. If anyone has the skinny on all this, they’ll have all the latest dope.”
“Bastards!,” Es cries, “You damn near get killed several times over and this is their thanks?”
“Yeah, I know, Darling,” I say, “Does seems a bit ungrateful and duplicitous.”
Esme hands me the phone.
“Phone. Call. Now.” She orders.
Looks like I just got my marchin’ orders.
“Yes, my love,” I reply. Even I know when I’m out-matched.
RING RING RING
Agent Rack answers and we go through the usual pleasantries…
“What the flying fuck you mean ‘I’m too dangerous’?” I question Agent Rack.
“Well, Doctor,” Rack tries to explain, “Your ‘cavalier’ attitude towards explosives. More of your ‘relationship’ with them. Not showing the proper deference…”
“WHAT?,” I roar, “Ask anyone that has worked with me in the field! ‘Safety first, last, and foremost’. Just that I don’t fret and quail around explosives like a bunch of phonophobic, jumped-up, wet-pantied shuddering schoolgirls, when I have to demolish something, doesn’t mean I’m anything other than a goddamned consummate professional.”
“Plus, Doctor, ” Rack continues, “It’s not the 1880’s any longer. A Stetson? A sidearm? A .454 Casull Magnum at that…”
“You have got to be yanking my crank here, Rack.” I angrily reply, as I really hate it when someone calls me Doctor like that, “The hat keeps the sun off my head so I don’t get addled like those fuckers you’re talking with at the Bureau. The sidearm is for safety. Oh, yes; there’s that word again. It’s a fucking tool, just like my Estwing hammers or my galvanometer.”
“Can’t kill anyone with a galvanometer,” Rack replies.
“But I could with a hammer, myriad ways” I reply, “And give me five minutes, I’d figure out a way to ‘extract’ someone with a galvanometer...”
“Doctor, do let me let you talk with Agent Ruin; I’m needed elsewhere,,” he tells me.
Agent Ruin takes the phone. It’s the old Agency Two-Step.
“Doctor is distraught,” he observes.
“No, ‘Doctor’ is just plain damned mad.” I reply, “They contract me for a job that has never been attempted before and I complete it beyond their wildest expectations! This is my recompense?”
“Well, Doctor,” Ruin continues, “I’m sure it’s strictly a business decision. It’s obviously nothing personal.”
“It sure as fuck sounds personal,” I gripe back, as now I’ve gone from annoyed to genuinely pissed off, “I’m surprised they didn’t say something derogatory about my Hawaiian shirts.”
“Oh, they did,” Agent Ruin lets slip.
“Oh? OK, Fine. That’s is then,” I reply, “The joyfulness of this whole experience has left the building. Tell them to strike me from their fucking list. I’m done with them. I wash my hands of them. I’m off east anyways. Fuck that bunch of paper-pushing, deskbound, pencil-necked dickheads. Fuck them. Fuck them solid. Fuck them ‘till they bleed.”
“Strong message to follow,” I add.
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin reminds me, “Do I need to remind you that all our conversations are recorded?”
“Oh, fuck no. I know that. So fucking what?” I growl, “Like I’m going to get tossed in Guantanamo for expressing a personal opinion? I can still do that in this fine country. Or has the First Amendment been repealed in my absence?”
“Doctor, you’re obviously agitated,’ Ruin adds, “Perhaps we’ll talk again later when you’ve calmed down before you head to the Middle East.”
“Yeah, about that,” I reply, “You shady characters can cross me off your fucking list as well. You’ve done nothing for me on this latest concern. Nothing! You couldn’t even give me the courtesy of a motherfucking heads-up. Guess that tells me all I need to know about the future of our relationship. Goodbye, Agent Ruin. Give Agent Rack my ‘Da Svidonya. I won’t be answering your calls any longer.
“Doctor, I, um, wait…”Agent Ruin sputters.
I continue: “And as long as I’m at it, tell that other Bureau to go hang as well. They want more data or shit from me, tell them to go find it elsewhere. And also tell them good luck with that. The three experts that exist in the world apart from me already told them to get bent. At least they possess loyalty and a dollop of comradeship. I’ll be shipping your phone and other items back via parcel post. Hasta la vista, Herr Ruin. Have a day.”
CLICK-KER -FUCKING-SMASH! I hang up in the rudest way possible.
“Clapped-out assholes,” I muse. “All those years of working together. All those years of building relationships around the world. It’s all kyboshed over a fucking Hawaiian shirt. I guess it was inevitable. Either I became too specialized or evolved myself out of being useful to them. Ah, well, their loss. Can’t be helped…”
I take a healthy swig right from the prime vodka bottle. OK, several.
“FUCKERS!” I scream at the wood-paneled ceiling, shaking my fist in vehement rage at the clouds coolly cruising by outside my window.
Esme doesn’t come running. She doesn’t have to. She knows the score.
I ship the Agency’s toys back to them with a terse note: “Thanks for all the nothing. Here’s your shit back. Dr. Rocknocker. PS: Get stuffed.”
Not my best effort, I’ll agree. However, I was really pissed at that point.
Now I have the time to devote solely to relocating my family and I overseas. Gad, there’s so much crap one must go through. What to sell, what goes in storage, what to trash, what to give away…the lists are endless.
First to go are all my power tools. Fuckbuckets. It took me decades to amass that collection. I got a good price, sure, but now I’m more or less without a hobby. We decide to put all Esme’s lapidary equipment in storage. It’s too specialized to generate much interest, much less a decent price. Besides, they won’t rot in our absence.
I can ship my fishing gear and golf clubs overseas. They’re American, but at least not 120 VAC.
Our house goes on the market and we have to get it spiffed to within an inch of its life. Got to have that ‘curb appeal’. Good, let someone else do it, I’m busy. More unexpected expense.
I give our house contractors out in New Mexico their marching orders. It’s going slow and will be a seasonal thing, but they guarantee me the house will be ready by next summer if they can source the slabs of Baraboo Quartzite I want. Splendid, that’s something I don’t have to follow up on every day.
Then there’s our aquarium. 250 gallons of treated Houston water, loaded with native Texan fish and a couple of cranky Jack Dempseys. All the gear, filters, pumps, water polishers, heaters, treaters, all of it. Has to go.
My ex-Utah Mormon drinking buddy down the road expresses interest. I basically let him have it gratis on the one condition he takes everything, fish included. He has to keep the fish alive and happy their entire lives. I’ve raised some from minnows and have grown attached to a couple of the gaspergou and a certain smallmouth bass with those big brown eyes…
Digger, my stalwart mechanic, is going to purchase my truck. It’s a bittersweet parting, but at least I know it’ll have a great home. Digger is going to use it as both his personal truck and his company’s hot-shot vehicle for pick-up and delivery of everything from batteries to full drivetrains. I know the vehicle will be in good hands.
Our Land Rover is up for grabs. Few are interested, though; buyer’s market. It’s a couple of years old and has lots of miles, due to Houston being so stupid-big. I order an extra-large bottle of AstroGlide as I know I’m going to be taking it up the ass on this one…
Finally, our pets.
Reluctantly, I’ve agreed to take the cat. It’s a stupid little feline that I figure we can just toss in a suitcase and drag it with us overseas. No, I guess we’ll get a cat-carrier and figure it out with the airlines.
Then there’s Lady. 135 kilos of dopey puppy. She’s getting up in years, as well, especially for a giant breed. Luckily, overseas we’ll be living on a Western compound. So if we go through all the rigmarole of quarantine, getting her a ‘pet passport’, and shipping via a specialist service, Lady can bark at the tenets of pre-Islam (dogs really aren’t haram), and actually join us in our new home.
This is going to cost a fortune, but I don’t care. She’s an integral part of the family, she is going to join us.
I find a Pet Relocation Service and begin the masses of insane paperwork. It’s an ‘all-in’ service, basically door-to-door. But do not be deluded, they charge every micrometer of the way.
Vaccinations, chipping (she already was fitted with an RFID chip), booking, boarding, securing vet services, obtaining health certificates, securing import permits, dealing with all issues related to customs clearance, interacting with foreign agents, supplying IATA approved crates, and obtaining Municipality tags registration for new arrivals.
Gonna cost me a couple-three-four kilobucks. Worth every penny.
Esme, the kids and I are working on beginning packing, tossing this, wrapping that, sentimentalizing over the other thing when we get a ring at the door.
It’s a bonded courier. He has a package for me.
It’s of the size that would contain about 6-months’ worth of Playboy magazines, and has no external address. I sign for the thing and walk back to the kitchen.
“What you got there, Rock?” Es asks.
“Not sure,” I reply, “But it came via bonded courier.”
“Well, open it,” Es smiles. She loves surprises.
I do so and it’s a series of articles, re-prints, and other information regarding Nevada, mine closures, and the Mine Closure Act. There’s also a number of newspaper and magazine clippings that had been photo-copied into a dozen-page document. All of them, write-ups and reviews from different newspapers, house organs, and journals citing my work with the guys out in the field.
I open it further and there’s a personal note from Dr. Sam Muleshoe, and a certified check, made out in my name.
Seems I was correct. After exhausting their leads with Al, Leo, and Chuck, they have spent near a month trying to find someone to take over the project. “To fill my shoes,” as Dr. Sam Muleshoe notes.
They came up totally empty.
“Told ya’ so.” I gloated. Esme smiles a wide schadenfreude-fueled smile.
I look at the check. It’s plenty healthy, but not superhero strength.
I show Es and she laughs out loud.
“So,” Es whoops, “They think they can get back in your good graces by buying you off? Hah! Fat chance,” she says and regards the check, “Hell. They’re not even close.”
I agree with Esme passionately.
I write a quick, hand-scribbled note to Dr. Muleshoe, thanking him for the information. I give several options, some admittedly anatomically impossible, regarding what he can do with the check and the Bureau’s offer.
I wrap it back up with duct-tape, call the courier service, and return it to Reno, COD.
A couple of days later, I receive a phone call. Surprise, surprise, it’s from Reno.
“Rock, it’s Reno!,” Es tells me.
I shake my head “no!” slicing my hand through the air in the head-chop mime.
“Tell him I’ve gone bush in darkest Outer Albania and you have no idea when I’ll be back,” I say.
Esme looks a bit sheepish, as we can hear the phone remark: “I can hear you, you know.”
“Fuckbuckets,” I think, “OK, hand me the rap-rod.”
“Yeah?” I growl, very grizzly-like into the infernal communication device.
“Hello, Rock. This is Sam Muleshoe,” the phone reports.
“Damn,” I exclaim, “I guess you characters can’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Which word fucking confused you?”
“Rock, what’s the god damned deal?,” Sam asks innocently, “Why all the bloody hostility?”
“Oh, double-fuck me!” I say metaphorically, “Don’t act like you don’t know. Try and snake the latest field mine closing job out from under me and try to snag my guys. Then, when that fails, give some sort of bullshit report to Rack and Ruin. You think I’m ‘too cavalier’, too “wild and wooly’, and think I’m some goddamned 19th-century throwback that loves horrible Hawaiian shirts…”
“Doc?,” Sam asks, “Are you currently fucking drunk? What the actual fuck are you rabbeting on about?”
“Sam, I’m stone-cold fucking sober,” I reply, “Yeah. I know, that’s a first. But listen here Scooter. You must have balls of brass trying to sweet-talk me into running another field course after all you did…”
“Rock,” Sam pleads, “Please, believe me, I have no idea what you’re on about. Can we talk and maybe figure this thing out?”
“No!,” I holler, “I’m done talking with the likes of your Bureau. Nothing you can do or say to rebuild the bridges they’ve burned with me.”
“OK,” he says, “Doct…, err, Rock, buddy. Calm your tits. Give me the Reader’s Digest version. I’ll look into it, because I have absolutely no idea what this is all about. This really sounds serious, with fuck-up overtones. Trust me, I’m serious as the last cold can of beer on a field trip.”
“Marvelous.” I say, “I guess I owe you that much. Professional courtesy. At least one of us has the grit to employ some.”
So, I run through the tale of the travails of Al, Chuck, and Leo. Then my little difference of opinion with Agents Rack, Ruin, and the Agency. Plus my severing of ties with both that Agency out on the east coast and the Bureaus in the great American Southwest.
“Doctor,” Sam says intently, “I know it’s going to be difficult, but I swear on a box of your finest cigars with a vodka chaser that I didn’t know anything about all this nor did it come from this office. Por favor señor, let me do some digging. I’ll be back in touch.”
“Sam,” I say, thinking over the situation, “Yeah…I must apologize for my previous outbursts. I should have known you’re not behind this idiocy. Yeah, go do some fossicking. Let me know what you dig up. Again, sorry. I was a bit…animated.”
“Rock,” Sam chuckles, “Do you think that I’d dare anger someone like you? You must think I’ve got a serious case of cranial lithification to cheese-off the Motherfucking Pro from Dover!”
At this point, I knew that Sam was also only collateral damage; he too was caught in the crossfire. Ground zero for the original attacks lie elsewhere within the Bureau.
Esme and I go back to preparing for our trip coming up in 2 months. But Jesus Q. Christwagons, there’s so much to do. Everything you own; it gets packed, stored, or trashed.
It’s the decisions that get so tiring. Keep. Toss. Sell. Burn. Leave on someone’s doorstep.
I propose to Es that we just do the basic necessities. Then we hire some firm to finish up for us. It’d be worth the cost since just think what we’d be saving on aspirin and Ace Bandages.
Esme readily backs the idea that we should turn the job over to someone else. Plus in the interim, we can take a trip back home to Baja Canada so the kids could visit their grandparents, we visit our family, and all of us could cool out a bit before the big trip east.
I need to drop by Big Ray’s Tap for a few hours/days anyways.
Old commitments.
We’d go the beginning of our last month here in the States, spend a couple of weeks visiting family at home, leave the kids with the grandparents to get spoiled rotten. Es and I would return to Houston to finalize everything.
Then Es and I would fly from Houston to that damn sprawling annoyance of an airport on the big lake in Illinoise. The family would meet us there, handover the kids, and we’d all haul ass eastwards to the Middle East.
I readily agreed. Anything has to be better than dealing with this crapola.
Lady and the stupid cat would go to the pet schleppers a little early. Sure, it’d cost a few more dinars, but that’s one big headache sorted.
So, late one afternoon, I’m sitting in my office, trying to figure out exactly what reference works I couldn’t live without.
Compton’s? Save. Field Guide to Fungus? Toss. No, wait a minute. Could prove useful.
That’s why this is taking forever.
The phone rings.
It’s Sam.
“Hello, Sam,” I say, “What news?”
“Goddamn it all to fucking hell and back,” Sam roars.
“That’s a unique greeting,” I reply.
“I finally drilled down to the bottom of all this horseshit.,” Sam replies, “And it’s a real bowl of fuck all the way south.”
“I’m listening,” I say, “Actually, Sam, hold on. I need a drink. Moment.”
I give Es the high sign, note it’s Sam on the phone, and that I’ll be in my office if she hears any screaming.
I amp up my drink and return to my office, closing the door behind me.
Lady is here, waiting to keep my feet warm.
“OK Sam, your nickel,” I say, “What’s the scoop?”
“Would you believe?,” he begins, “That all batshittery this came from accounting and bookkeeping?”
“Well,” I reply, “I’ll have to admit that I’m not overly surprised.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “I was off on holiday. My first two weeks off after 5 years. My very temporary replacement received a memo from the head of the Bureau that there was great interest in you leading a shortened version of your last trip to demonstrate to a bunch of different university PhDs in the care and feeding of abandoned mines. Seems the Bureau Chief was very impressed with what you and your team accomplished.”
“OK,” I reply, “With you so far. So, where did things get wrapped around a tractor’s nuts?”
“Right,” he replies, “Here’s where things first went off the rails. Whoever vetted the list of potential attendees sorted the list alphabetically, not by field of expertise. Of course, the obvious first choice would be for geologists; especially those with mining, field, and blasting experience.”
“Ah,” I replied, “No wonder it was such a miscellaneous bunch of baloney-loaf whole-grain enviro-types that Al had mentioned.”
“Yep,” Sam agreed, “But before anyone with any brains got sight of that list, some fucknuts in the Bureau’s University Liaison department sent out invitations.”
“Invitations?” I asked, “To what?”
“That’s just the thing,” Sam continued, “They sent out invites to a program that didn’t yet exist, run by someone who had yet to be contacted, much less secured.”
“Oh, hey! That’s some good work you guys do down there.” I snort.
“Indeed,” Sam agrees, “So once that hit the mail, we started getting back replies and acceptances.”
“And there was no project, no leader, no logistics…?” I asked.
“No shit,” Sam scoffs. “So, what did these idiots here do? Contact the attendees and explain the problem. Take a little flack, but get it sorted out then try again?”
“Let me guess,” I said, “No?”
“Nope,” Sam sighs, “By that time, it was in the works and in the hands of accountants.”
“Oh, fuck,” I commiserated. “I feel your pain.”
“Yeah,” Sam continues, “They see that you’re the hookin’ bull on the last one and they dig into your contract. They figure, ‘Whoa, he’s way too expensive, just look at these expense accounts’, so they do an end-around and contact your colleagues.”
“Al, Chuck, and Leo. They’re damn good guys,” I said, “Fine field scientists, all. But I don’t think any of them have the moxie or experience yet to run a whole field course.”
“These accounting shitheads never bothered to find out,” Sam groans, “It was all ‘bottom line’, so you got caught in the squeeze.”
“OK,” I reply, “I see how that happened, but what about all the shit about me being a 19th-century throwback, that I’m unsafe, wear horrible Hawaiian shirts, and all that shit?”
“Comedy of bloody errors,” Sam says, “Actually, the Bureau Chief likes your fashion sense; you should see some of his shirts. But your slime campaign was based on unreliable evidence, tall tales, folklore, and outright fabrications. It was easy to pimp someone with a personality like yours, it’s been said. Someone was trying desperately to cover his ass. However, we have identified the perpetrator.”
“Next time I’m in Reno,” I said, “I’ll pay him a friendly little visit and arrange his transport to Neptune. One way. Y’know, it’d be easy for someone with a ‘personality like mine’.”
“Ah, yeah. He won’t be here,” Sam says, “In fact, we don’t know where the hell he went. He was immediately sacked, as were a couple of the more boneheaded accountants.”
“That’s redundant,” I smirk, “They really don’t want to talk with or see me anytime soon.”
“Right, then Rock,” Sam says, “We green again?”
“Yeah, Sam,” I reply, “Sure. Green as a New Saigon. But you’ve got to call Rack and Ruin for me. You have to let them know how this whole clusterfuck came to be. We had some words a while back.”
“Oh, yeah,” Sam remembers, “I talked with them the other day. They said they’ll be in Houston in a couple of days.”
“Cor! Just what I fucking need right now,” I lament. “Ah, it is what it is.”
“OK, Rock. Now, back to reality. You interested?” Sam asks.
“Send me a JD (job description) and the project particulars. The price of poker’s really going up this time, Sam. Stratospheric. Sorry, it’s all just business.” I relate.
“Yeah…,” Sam sighs, “I figure we’ll really owe you if you can drag our ass out of the campfire on this one.”
“You have no idea,” I chuckle. We exchange farewells and ring off.
Now I have some talking to do with my significant other.
Since we were all set to go back to Baja Canada, I could use those two weeks to go to Nevada, if necessary. I can be back in Houston with Es for the last two weeks before we’re slated to travel, and we can sort out the house.
“This won’t be an easy sell,” I muse, before chatting with my darling, brilliant, and ever-so-forgiving partner.
“I’ll need a drink first”, I declare.
Esme notes that it would be nice to have a little spare cash with us when we move overseas.
You could have dropped me with a Claymore. Es never fails to flummox me.
So, provisional OK from the powers that be. Now all I have to do is wait on Sam’s prospectus.
The next day, the doorbell rings. It’s Agents Rack and Ruin.
One is holding a box of very expensive cigars, and one is holding a bottle of very expensive bourbon.
I turn to Es and remark, “Look here, darlin’. Geeks bearing gifts.”
“Hello, Doctor,” Rack says, bristling, “We need to talk. “
“Why?” I ask, “I do seem to recall that I’m no longer associated with you people any longer.”
“Doctor,” Agent Ruin cocks his head contritely, bowing ever so slightly, “May we please have a moment of your time?”
I look to Es. She shrugs her shoulders. Luckily I’m partial to Es’ opinion. I am also partial to good bourbon and cigars, especially when someone else is paying for them. So I shrug my shoulders as well and tell them to make entry.
“My office, “ I say, “You know the way. Mind the boxes.”
Once in my office, the Agents stack their offerings and go on in great detail, basically collaborating Sam’s story. I remain steadfast and stony as the Harney Peak Granite of Mr. Rushmore fame. I’m not giving anything away any longer.
“Well, Doctor,” Agent Ruin finalizes, “That’s the story, warts and all.”
“Yep, it is pretty warty,” I agree, “So?”
“We would like to rekindle our relationship,” Agent Rack reports, “These are for starters.”
He hands me the cigars and booze; plus another box.
“Thanks,” I say, “But just because I accept your peace offerings, that doesn’t mean we’re going to turn back the clock.”
“What are you suggesting?” Agent Ruin asks.
“No more consulting,” I reply, “I want in. The ‘Full Monty’, as it were. If I’m going overseas and work for some twitchy Middle Eastern sandpit’s national oil company, I want perks, tabs, and my ass duly covered.”
“Work two full-time jobs simultaneously?” Agent Rack asks.
“However you want to structure it,” I say, “No more consulting. From here on out, you want me, you’re making me a full-fledged full-timer.”
Agents Rack and Ruin look at each other, enquiringly.
“Doctor,” Agent Rack replies, “We are prepared to offer you an ad hoc Agency appointment. You will be fully attached but you will be also doing your full-time job in the other country.”
“I’m listening. Tell me more,” I ask, “What exactly are you offering?”
“Full access to all pertinent information,” Agent Ruin continues, “Full entrée to appropriate facilities and, um, assets. Security for you and your family in case of, well, shall; we say, ‘difficulties’. Monthly minimum payment of [$$$] to any non-US bank of your choice. Extra duties would be duly compensated. Top clearances. An enhanced potential payment package, bonus possibilities, and full benefits for you.”
“Full benefits for me and my family,” I say, “Or there’s the door. Non-negotiable” I point out.
“Very well. That had been anticipated.” Agent Rack replies.
“Gentlemen,” I say, “Let us shake on what I hope turns out to be a beautiful relationship.”
We shake hands and I sign my life away. I’m really in it now, up to my neck. I have to learn to shut up more and just listen.
“Now, gents,” I say, “In order to seal the deal, let us break out the drinking stuff you’ve brought along. We will also smoke together so that we will know there will be no lies or deceit between us.”
“Also anticipated, Doctor,” both agents agree.
My ‘new’ old colleagues prepare to leave a while later, after a cigar, and far too much of what was a full bottle of expensive gift booze. They always get you in the end.
Contained within the other small box were my new Agency credentials, updated version satellite phone, secure codes, and a nifty new Swiss Army Knife, with a built-in cigar cutter.
With renewed dedication and expectations all ‘round, Agents Rack and Ruin take their leave.
They hope to be able to meet me and the family, remember, they are Uncles Rack and Ruin, overseas one day in the not too distant future. My information, further updated cards, registration, and all that official business guff will come to the specific Middle Eastern country’s US Embassy for me once we arrive and get settled.
“Marvelous,” I muse.
I receive an Email from Dr. Muleshoe explaining what we talked about and his hopes for my stickhandling a ‘quick’ 2-week field excursion for the approximately 15 Ph.D. types from around North America. Seems there’s a couple of Canadians and one Mexican professor that expressed desires to join. They had actually forwarded funds to be included in our number.
Sam suggests I drive out in my truck and proceed as per the last trip. Get the trailer, fill it with noisemakers, and the Bureau would sort out transportation and lodging for the attendees. Seems some want to camp, like real geologists, and some want to lodge in hotels, like real non-geologists.
I write Sam back:
First item: this is a 2-week sojourn into the desert. It’s a field meeting, emphasis on the field, not a tour of Nevada’s many fine hotels, resorts, and casinos.
Item two: I no longer possess my truck. The Bureau will provide me with the appropriate vehicular equivalent. No passengers, this will be the Camp Chief truck from the onset. Besides, I am the only one licensed to drive the vehicle when coupled to an explosives-laden trailer.
Item three: I will be flown to and from Reno from Houston. No buses, trains, or automobiles. It’s business class or zilch.
Item the fourth: the Bureau will source the necessary support logisticians to provide food, drink, and toilet paper for the 16 professionals while we are in the field. They will also need to provide cooks, dishwashers, camp tidiers, and the like as I don’t have time to deal with 15 potentially field-fresh, whiny waterhead PhDs.
Item the fifth: The Bureau will provide for all pre- and post-trip handling of participants. They can handle hotel rooms for the early arrivers or late-stayers. They can manage arrivals, registration, signing of necessary documents, and assuring vaccination records are up to snuff, waivers are signed, etc. They will also handle the transportation of participants to/from and during the field project, when and where necessary.
Item the sixth: I include a new version of my contract. Force Majeure, ‘Take or Pay’ clause. Door to door coverage. Plus my, ahem, augmented day rate. Absolutely non-negotiable.
Item seven: I have final say over what is done in the field. I am in command, the boss, the head cheese, the head honcho, and I require absolute discipline, especially where explosives are concerned. “My way or the highway” will be the theme of the trip. Gain, non-negotiable.
To be continued.

What this is:

This is a weekly, curated listing of Kickstarter board game projects that are either:

• newly posted in the past 7 days, or
• ending in the next 7 days (starting Aug 19) and have at least a fighting chance of being funded.

All board game projects meeting those criteria will automatically be included, no need to ask. (The occasional non-board game project may also sneak in!)
Expect new lists each Sunday sometime between midnight and noon PST.

Ending Soon

Project Info	Players	Backers	Min / Avg Pledge	Ends	Comments
Onslaught A cooperative tower defense card game for 1 to 6 players! Work with friends and defend the oncoming monsters from Somberwood Citadel. // Has raised $2,661 of $2,000 so far. (~133%) ☑	1 - 6	87	$20 / $31	Aug 19	kicktraq bgg
Bow Down : A Take-That Battle Card Game A fantasy battle card game. // Has raised £3,572 of £3,500 so far. (~102%) ☑	2 - 8	24	$16 / £149	Aug 20	kicktraq
Aydolon: Age of Heroes A Cooperative Multiplayer Card Game for 2-5 players. // Has raised $3,059 of $1,000 so far. (~305%) ☑	2 - 5	95	$30 / $32	Aug 20	kicktraq
Robinson Crusoe, Escape From Despair Island - New Card Game A dynamic game that puts you into Crusoe’s shoes, shipwrecked and stranded on an island, you´ll need to survive and escape to win! // Has raised kr126,258 SEK of kr115,000 SEK so far. (~109%) ☑	1 - 4	376	$20 / kr336 SEK	Aug 21	kicktraq
Mehen, Ancient Egyptian Game of the Snake A 5,000 year old board game, brought back to life as a handcrafted collector's item // Has raised $11,116 of $3,000 so far. (~370%) ☑	2 - 6	68	$149 / $163	Aug 21	kicktraq bgg
Drunko Card A party game that involves cards, mini games, dice and drinks. This is the next party game you want your hands on! // Has raised HK$20,511 of HK$3,000 so far. (~683%) ☑	4 - ?	137	$15 / HK$150	Aug 21	kicktraq #take2
IMPORT/EXPORT DEFINITIVE EDITION Shipping for the second time as a KICKSTARTER EXCLUSIVE with new metal shipping containers, updated artwork, and a final expansion! // Has raised $129,374 of $33,000 so far. (~392%) ☑	2 - 6	1764	$59 / $73	Aug 22	kicktraq bgg #newedition
Chicken Heist Chicken Heist is a push-your-luck card game for 3-8 players. A dynamic game where danger awaits you in every turn! // Has raised $12,353 CAD of $11,300 CAD so far. (~109%) ☑	3 - 8	362	$19 / $34 CAD	Aug 22	kicktraq bgg
On The Rocks On The Rocks: A marble drafting cocktail recipe fulfillment game. // Has raised $24,526 of $30,000 so far. (~81%)	2 - 4	468	$55 / $52	Aug 22	kicktraq bgg
Gridopolis - a 3D Strategy Game and System Gridopolis is a multiplayer 3D strategy game and system. It's an innovation in gaming designed for geeks, families & educators alike. // Has raised $15,831 of $15,000 so far. (~105%) ☑	2 - 4	227	$35 / $70	Aug 22	kicktraq bgg
Adventure Tactics: Domianne's Tower Adventure Tactics: Domianne's Tower is a co-op tactical combat game with deck-building inspired by our favorite SRPGs. (20+ classes!) // Has raised $96,269 of $36,700 so far. (~262%) ☑	1 - 5	1048	$75 / $92	Aug 23	kicktraq bgg
Frontier A fantasy town building card drafting game for 2-5 players! // Has raised £3,072 of £3,000 so far. (~102%) ☑	2 - 5	96	$32 / £32	Aug 23	kicktraq bgg
Cosmic Run: Express A quick and fun, 25-card, standalone card game in Dr Finn's Cosmic Run universe, plus access to exclusive promo packs. // Has raised $7,254 of $3,000 so far. (~241%) ☑	1 - 2	375	$8 / $19	Aug 23	kicktraq bgg
Rune Stones New game by Designer Rüdiger Dorn about the might of the Druids! // Has raised $132,323 of $10,000 so far. (~1323%) ☑	2 - 4	1681	$45 / $79	Aug 23	kicktraq bgg

New This Week

Project Info	Players	Backers	Min / Avg Pledge	Ends	Comments
1,000 YEAR BEARD A fuzzy-fun card game for 1-2 players. Be the first Dwarf to grow the longest, most majestic beard of a thousand years ...and win! // Has raised $876 of $1,000 so far. (~87%)	1 - 2	40	$16 / $22	Sep 03	bgg #take3
Bipolar Explorer A simulation of a month living with BiPolar Disorder // Has raised $310 of $30 so far. (~1033%) ☑	1 - 1	41	$5 / $8	Sep 12
Burgle Bros. 2: The Casino Capers The crew is back for even crazier co-op heists! New challenges trying to take down a string of casinos in broad daylight! // Has raised $205,445 of $25,000 so far. (~821%) ☑	1 - 4	3903	$49 / $53	Sep 05
Cats vs Mice card game -- a PnP alternative A kids' (2-player) card game that even adults will find challenging. Takes less than 5 minutes to play. // Has raised $123 of $40 so far. (~307%) ☑	2 - 2	13	$1 / $9	Aug 27	#take2
Chronicles of the Wayfarer: HEROES Skirmish Miniature Game // Has raised $1,560 of $10,000 so far. (~15%)	2 - ?	24	$20 / $65	Sep 15
CoryphaeusCCG with All Cards FREE Breaks Kickstarter Enjoy all playable cards for free forever, active tournaments, playful emotes, collecting alternate art versions & no RNG! // Has raised €281 of €2,500 so far. (~11%)	2 - ?	7	$28 / €40	Sep 14
Cosmic Run: Express A quick and fun, 25-card, standalone card game in Dr Finn's Cosmic Run universe, plus access to exclusive promo packs. // Has raised $7,254 of $3,000 so far. (~241%) ☑	1 - 2	375	$8 / $19	Aug 23	bgg
Crossroll Hong Kong Hong Kong is at crossroad now!! So roll and write our own route. Your choice makes the difference. // Has raised HK$7,590 of HK$30,000 so far. (~25%)	1 - 12	49	$18 / HK$155	Sep 26
CryptoWhales - A Blockchain Board Game CryptoWhales brings blockchain education to the table in a fun and interactive way- a blockchain board game! // Has raised $1,032 CAD of $145,000 CAD so far. (~0%)	? - ?	6	$45 / $172 CAD	Sep 22	#lolwut
Cube of Death The geek trivia card game with an RPG rule set. Answer trivia, navigate a dungeon, and see who's geek-fu is strongest. // Has raised $1,933 of $10,000 so far. (~19%)	2 - 8	51	$25 / $38	Sep 12	bgg
Damn Dragons Burn all your friends - not literally - but with the power of dragons! (Break Kickstarter) // Has raised $237 of $12,000 so far. (~1%)	2 - 6	11	$20 / $22	Sep 29
Dawn & Demons This is the first expansion for the evil boardgame "Rise of the Necromancers" - Launch Date: August 13th. // Has raised kr339,491 DKK of kr400,000 DKK so far. (~84%)	1 - 5	701	$34 / kr484 DKK	Sep 14	bgg #expansion #reprint
DECEPTION: An Enthralling Game of BS Breaks Kickstarter DECEPTION: An Enthralling Game of BS is a quick thinking party card game that promotes laughter, discomfort, sabotage, and also lying. // Has raised $496 of $37,500 so far. (~1%)	2 - 8	8	$50 / $62	Sep 14
Division: Throne Room A compact, strategic, card and dice game for 1 or 2 players. Have you got what it takes to seize the throne? // Has raised £3,321 of £2,250 so far. (~147%) ☑	1 - 2	155	$13 / £21	Sep 05	bgg
DUNGEON DEGENERATES: HAND OF DOOM THIRD PRINTING The third printing of DUNGEON DEGENERATES: Hand of Doom, the Dark Fantasy, Weirdo Art, RPG in a box board game from GOBLINKO. // Has raised $46,411 of $40,000 so far. (~116%) ☑	1 - 4	579	$70 / $80	Aug 28	bgg #reprint
EXPLODING vs. EXPLETIVE KITTENS CATFIGHT! Before they blew up they explored (and swore too fucking much) // Has raised $1 of $20,000 so far. (~0%)	2 - ?	1	$15 / NA	Sep 14
Full House™ Deluxe - A Great Board Game Join us for Full House™ grand opening. Welcomes crazy and wacky guests in your own hotel. A Great Board Game - Fun forever! // Has raised $5,916 CAD of $80,000 CAD so far. (~7%)	2 - 4	59	$45 / $100 CAD	Sep 14	bgg #hmm
Generation Trivia Spend time with the whole family by playing Generation Trivia™ and get ready to battle each other with special Battle Cards! // Has raised $1 CAD of $12,000 CAD so far. (~0%)	2 - ?	1	$19 / NA	Sep 12
Headhunter: Hilarious Hires from History (2nd Edition) Headhunter: Hilarious Hires from History is a comical, historical, business-themed party game. // Has raised $965 of $1,500 so far. (~64%)	4 - 10	20	$25 / $48	Sep 11	bgg #take2
Mark McLaughlin's War & Peace An historical game recreating the vast European conflict known as The Napoleonic Wars. // Has raised $22,048 of $10,000 so far. (~220%) ☑	2 - 2	196	$89 / $112	Sep 15	bgg #newedition
MatchBreaker Mullets, Matches, Mayhem. The Retro Dating Card Game. // Has raised $10,469 AUD of $20,000 AUD so far. (~52%)	2 - 4	230	$25 / $46 AUD	Sep 12	bgg
Mermaids, Emojis & a new kind of Poker! 3 NEW Card Games! Poo Party Poker, The Super Emoji Deck, & Mermaid Match! Games for ages 5+ so everyone can enjoy these new classics! // Has raised $259 of $1,000 so far. (~25%)	? - ?	6	$15 / $43	Sep 12
Mightymania Decks Mightymania Decks is an card game out Mightymania Universe. // Has raised €67 of €500 so far. (~13%)	2 - ?	5	$16 / €13	Oct 10
Muffin Time: The Random Card Game Collect cards, trigger traps, and murder muffins in the asdfmovie-themed card game // Has raised £271,714 of £10,000 so far. (~2717%) ☑	2 - 10	6967	$18 / £39	Sep 13
Pixel Demon's: REALM A diabolical strategy card game set in a brand-new fantasy-horror universe. // Has raised $10,383 of $5,500 so far. (~188%) ☑	2 - 4	138	$29 / $75	Sep 13	bgg
Scarlet Night Welcome to Scarlet Night. Fully interactive horror boardgame with dedicated soundtrack and lighting. // Has raised €17,521 of €10,000 so far. (~175%) ☑	1 - 5	254	$72 / €69	Sep 19
Sheep Sleep Seep A fast paced, tongue twisting, card based party (drinking) game for any size crowd. // Has raised $1,089 of $700 so far. (~155%) ☑	3 - ?	43	$13 / $25	Sep 13
Shovel Knight: Dungeon Duels Shovel Knight: Dungeon Duels is a 1 to 4 player competitive side scrolling dungeon crawl based off of the Shovel Knight video game! // Has raised $62,718 of $70,000 so far. (~89%)	1 - 4	977	$40 / $64	Sep 07	bgg #take2
Standing Out A party trivia game for large groups of people // Has raised $801 of $2,000 so far. (~40%)	3 - ?	18	$15 / $45	Sep 15
Straight Face Straight Face: The dark card game that is designed to make you laugh, whilst trying not to laugh! // Has raised £24 of £1,500 so far. (~1%)	2 - ?	2	$22 / £12	Sep 13	#lolwut
Struggle of Empires Deluxe edition A grand empire building game with straightforward rules for 2 to 7 players // Has raised $64,794 of $40,000 so far. (~161%) ☑	2 - 7	902	$89 / $72	Aug 30	bgg #newedition
T.B.D. A $20 tabletop game about... whatever we all say it is. // Has raised $2,789 of $9,999 so far. (~27%)	? - ?	114	$20 / $24	Sep 14	#hmm
The Canary's Dilemma A multiplayer strategy game where players attempt to free their canaries by competing in several rounds of head-to-head matches. // Has raised $32 of $2,500 so far. (~1%)	2 - 6	3	$25 / $11	Sep 14
The Nightmare Set CCG The Nightmare Set CCG. A survival horror card game with a unique combat system and multiple ways to set up and play. // Has raised $2 of $2,000 so far. (~0%)	2 - 2	2	$10 / $1	Sep 12
Zombie Run A zombie survival board game with a continually changing board. // Has raised $113 of $5,000 so far. (~2%)	? - ?	6	$40 / $19	Sep 22

Need moar Kickstarter goodness?

Check out...

• My Calendar of Announced Kickstarters (Also available in iCal flavor)
• My interactive AirTable view of all active board game kickstarter campaigns.
• BoardGameGeek's variety of Kickstarter-oriented Geeklists
• Kicktraq's data-driven views

Footnotes

• #hmm means that something about the project seems a little off. Buyer beware kinda thing.
• #lolwut is reserved for projects that seem like copycat games or campaigns put together with little thought. Check 'em out for amusement.
• #take tags are for projects that have been restarted for some reason, with the number indicating what iteration we're currently on.
• Did I miss something? Particularly something new in the last 7 days or ending in the next 7 days? Let me know in the comments and I'll add it in.

Help Keep This Running

These lists take time and money to put together. Not a lot, but a little. If you enjoy them, maybe toss me a buck now and then. 50% of after-expenses costs will be forwarded along to the Jack Vasel Memorial Fund.
Signing up for a free AirTable account via my referral link can help, too. Plus, it's swell!
If you want a shoutout for your donation, put your reddit username in the notes.

Below I’ve listed every law that was broken in The Office (from destruction of property and battery to homicide and kidnapping) whether legal action was taken or not, as well as ideas that people had that were illegal; I’m not a legal expert, I just have a lot of much free time (I labeled the episodes the same way that Netflix does.)
S1E3: Dwight claims that multiple people in the office forged medical forms for their health insurance plans
S1E6: Michael claims that Dunder Mifflin employees in the 80’s constantly used cocaine
S2E1: Pam, Kelly, and Phyllis reveal that there is something written on the women’s bathroom wall, later Pam reveals to Jim that she was the one who wrote it; people throw food at Michael (would fall under battery)
S2E2: Packer reveals that he’s been convicted of a DUI
S2E3: Dwight reveals that sometimes teenagers use his farm for sex (depending on their ages, this may be illegal as the Pennsylvania age of consent is sixteen)
S2E6: Dwight punches Michael in the stomach twice with considerable force (Michael does bait him into doing it though)
S2E8: Jim punctures a hole in Dwight’s “fitness orb” with a pair of scissors; it is implied that a former accountant killed himself; Dwight reveals that he made a copy of Michael’s key to the office
S2E10: Meredith flashes Michael in his office
S2E11: Michael tells everyone on the cruise that the ship is sinking when there’s no danger (creating a false panic is illegal in most cases)
S2E12: Dwight crashes his car into a telephone pole outside of the office and leaves his bumper in the street
S2E14: Michael says that Packer once held a man’s head into a toilet; it is also implied that Packer was the one who defecated in Michael’s office
S2E15: Michael causes lots of damage in the warehouse by improperly using the lift (he also doesn’t have a license to operate it)
S2E16: Michael jaywalks (technically illegal though typically not enforced); Michael comments that someone was pooping in a cardboard box in the subway
S2E17: Dwight tackles Ryan, Creed, and Stanley to the ground
S2E19: Michael finds out that he’s involved in a pyramid scheme
S2E20: Dwight finds a joint in the parking lot (Pennsylvania didn’t make steps to decriminalize marijuana until 2014); Michael believes he unknowingly smoked marijuana at a concert; Dwight gives Michael some of his urine so that he can pass a drug test
S2E21: Creed faces sideways after his company photo is taken, implying that he’s been arrested in the past
S2E22: Creed steals casino chips and also admits to stealing things all of the time; Dwight kisses Angela and she hits him in response (though it seems like both parties were okay with the outcome)
S3E1: Roy reveals that he was arrested for drunk driving
S3E4: Creed reveals that the reason Ed Truck got decapitated was because he was driving drunk (though this was never confirmed and Creed tends to lie); the bird funeral is lit on fire (probably illegal as they did not have a permit and it was mainly paper and not wood)
S3E5: Ryan and Dwight egg the front of Axelrod Ltd’s building
S3E6: Jim rides his bike drunk (believe it or not, this is actually illegal)
S3E7: Creed sells office equipment
S3E8: Andy steals a computer from the Stamford office; after poking holes in everyone’s tires, Michael claims it was Vance Refrigeration workers that did it
S3E9: It is revealed that Martin went to jail for insider trading; Kevin admits that insider trading sounds a lot like what he does as well
S3E10: Creed removes a present from the charity box (removing uncollected items from charity drives is theft); Pam reveals that she has been sending fake letters from the CIA to Dwight, Jim later gets involved (illegal to pass yourself off as a CIA agent)
S3E13: Andy punches a hole through the wall
S3E16: Michael reveals that his eighth grade teacher hooked up with at least thirteen students; Dwight reveals that he hunted a werewolf as a child, but it’s more likely that he killed his neighbor’s dog; Dwight traps a bat in a bag over Meredith’s head
S3E17: Creed reveals that he has a side business where he makes fake IDs for teens; Creed also reveals that he stole a laminating machine from the sheriff’s station; Dwight accidentally damages David’s roof while inspecting the chimney; Roy and his brother destroy multiple objects in a bar including a mirror, a chair, and multiple glasses (Roy’s brother later reveals that he paid off the bar owner to not call the cops on them)
S3E18: Roy attempts to assault Jim in the office after finding out he kissed Pam; Dwight uses pepper spray on Roy when he attempts to assault Jim (this was done defense of Jim however); Jim reveals that Dwight has weapons such as nunchucks and throwing stars hidden in the office; Dwight uses pepper spray against Andy; Dwight is found to have more weapons hidden in his desk such as brass knuckles, a police baton, and a taser
S3E19: Darryl reveals that Michael once kicked a ladder out from under him and caused him to break his ankle; Michael accidentally smashes a watermelon on the roof of someone’s car; Michael tries to convince the office that he’s going to commit suicide
S3E20: A former Dunder Mifflin employee from the paper mill put a watermark of two cartoon animals having sex on about five-hundred boxes-worth of paper; Creed frames Debbie Brown from the paper mill for not catching the watermark on the paper, which results in her termination; it was revealed that Andy was unknowingly dating a high schooler (only illegal if they had sexual contact); Andy reveals that he and his high school girlfriend knocked over a mailbox with her friends
S3E21: Phyllis claims that she was flashed by a man in the parking lot; when Jim calls the police to report the flasher, he says that the police have already gotten three calls; Creed implies that he has flashed people in the past; Jan offers Michael money in return for him driving to New York and having sex (it is illegal to accept or pay money for sex, even if the other person is not a prostitute); Meredith throws her trash out of her car window onto the street while also driving recklessly; while parking her car, Meredith scrapes another car; Creed reveals that he uses the women’s bathroom for bowel movements and has “paid dearly” for it in the past; Dwight and Andy put up barbed wire on the parking lot fence of the office (using barbed wire is typically illegal if the fence is adjacent to a public street)
S3E22: Michael lights a bonfire on the beach (he likely did not have a fire permit)
S3E23: Jim and Karen sneak into a theater to see the second half of Spamalot (would technically burglary, believe it or not, since they snuck in with the intent of stealing services); Jan claims that the reason she is being fired from Dunder Mifflin is because of her breast implants (though David says it is because of her work ethic)
S4E1: Michael hits Meredith with his car and fractures her pelvis; Dwight attempts to mercy kill Angela’s cat by trapping it in her freezer
S4E2: Michael claims that when he was a child, he had a foreign exchange student living with him that stole all of his blue jeans when he went back to his home country; Kelly tells Ryan that she is pregnant with his child in an attempt to get him to go on a date with her (this could fall under intentional infliction of emotional distress)
S4E3: Michael and Dwight detain the pizza deliveryman in the office conference room; Dwight reveals that the pizza deliveryman steals hemp from his farm; Andy reveals that he stole the ice sculpture he brought to the party; Michael and Dwight steal a tray of sushi and some accessories from a restaurant
S4E4: Dwight admits that the permits on the bed and breakfast side of Schrute Farms are still pending even though he is actively taking customers; Creed reveals that he has a second identity that he transfers his debt to; Michael and Jan are likely trespassing while they are sitting on the stationed train
S4E6: Dwight attempts to create molotov cocktails to throw in the Utica office; Michael drives recklessly on the highway; while stealing the Utica branch’s industrial copier, Michael and Dwight break it; Dwight reveals more weapons that he has in the office, including a pack of knives, a pair of sai, a sword, and a blowdart (having these weapons in the open is not illegal, but concealing them is)
S4E8: Michael purgers himself during Jan’s deposition
S4E9: Jan throws a Dundie at Michael’s TV and breaks it
S4E10: It is revealed that the model from Micahel’s chair catalog died in a car accident (Dwight says that she was stoned at the time and crashed into the side of an airplane hanger)
S4E11: Ryan states that the Dunder Mifflin website was infiltrated by sexual predators (only illegal if they used it to transmit child pornography or arrange meetings with minors with the intent of sexual contact); it is heavily implied that Ryan and his friend Troy are under the influence of cocaine
S4E12: Michael places his face in wet cement outside of the office (would be considered destruction of property)
S4E13: Andy drives a golf cart recklessly and ends up destroying its roof (and potentially the cart as well)
S4E14: Jim sets up Dwight’s cell and work phones to go to his Bluetooth and pretends to be him when clients call (could fall under criminal impersonation); Ryan commits fraud by having people re-record sales and is arrested for it; Dwight, Meredith, and Mose release a raccoon into Holly’s car (only illegal if it does damage to her car)
S5E1: Phyllis blackmails Angela by threatening to reveal Angela and Dwight’s affair unless she lets Phyllis run the Party Planning Committee
S5E3: Kelly reveals that she downloads pirated music onto her work computer, to which Michael responds, “who hasn’t”; Meredith reveals that she’s been sleeping with a supplier in exchange for discounts on supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates (could fall under the scope of prostitution); Michael threatens to kill everyone if they don’t go to the conference room
S5E4: Dwight tries to destroy Jan’s $1,200 stroller
S5E5: The office is robbed after Michael and Holly forget to lock the office’s front door; Creed implies that he made the last person who stole from him disappear, and that he stole the identity Creed Bratton from them
S5E7: Kelly falsifies customer surveys regarding Jim and Dwight
S5E9: Michael attempts to purchase marijuana from two Vance Refrigeration workers, and they trick him into buying a salad in a bag rather than drugs (intent to purchase illegal drugs is illegal, and so is selling counterfeit drugs); Michael and Dwight attempt to frame Toby with drug trafficking and possession of marijuana; when the cops arrive, Creed becomes incredibly worried that he’ll be arrested, implying that he either has drugs in the office, or is a drug dealer
S5E10: Dwight tricks Angela into marrying him (this would be considered fraudulently inducing someone into marriage)
S5E11: Creed is seen smoking out of a pipe likely containing kif, which has cannabis in it; Creed says that he can get fire permits very quickly, implying that they are possibly fake; Michael forces Meredith into going to a rehab facility (technically falls under the definition of kidnapping)
S5E12: Jim uncovers more weapons that Dwight has hidden throughout the office; Andy pins Dwight against a fence with his car, Dwight dents Andy’s car
S5E13: Jim connects a red wire to Dwight’s computer which leads outside to the top of the power pole (would qualify as vandalism to the pole); Michael and Dwight attempt to learn information about a competitor under the guise of a potential customer and potential employee (could be considered corporate espionage, but I couldn’t find any specifics)
S5E14: Dwight induces panic law by simulating a fire in the office, he additionally damages multiple doors and cuts the phone wires; during the fire drill, multiple office employees damage items in the office including ceiling tiles, the copier machine, and the vending machine; Dwight reveals that he is planning a bomb scare; Dwight is shown to have a hunting knife strapped to his ankle, and he uses this knife to cut apart the CPR dummy (though corporate payed for the damages to the dummy); Andy, Jim, and Pam watch a pirated film
S5E15: Dwight buys cookies from Toby in exchange for him signing a form (quid pro quo on this is illegal); Dwight attempts to have his coworkers sign his form under the guise of it being a sign-in sheet; Michael throws full slices of bread on the ground to feed pigeons (it was winter and there were no birds, so this could be considered littering)
S5E16: Jim cuts the cord that connects Michael’s phone to the office’s PA system; Dwight finds out that Kelly went to juvenile detention when she was younger; Creed gives Jim a $3 bill (counterfeit money is illegal)
S5E17: Creed says he knows where to buy a kid for $7,000; it’s revealed that the reason Kelly was in juvenile detention was because she stole her boyfriend’s father’s boat; Michael cuts off a sleeve from Holly’s sweater; Michael also takes a file off of Holly’s computer (would be classified as unauthorized computer access)
S5E18: Phyllis and Bob have sex in a restaurant bathroom (this is technically public sex which is a misdemeanor); Creed steals a bag of blood from the blood drive
S5E19: Dwight slaps Michael; Jim slaps Dwight
S5E20: Dwight pretends to have kidnapped David’s son
S5E21: Michael sneaks back into the office after being asked to leave (technically trespassing as it is private property and he was escorted out of the building)
S5E22: Michael breaks his condominium agreement by having the Michael Scott Paper Company located within his condo (though the owner only sent a warning that he needed to stop); Ryan steals three pairs of bowling shoes before he quits the bowling alley; Michael asks Billy to sell him a ‘secret office space’ off of the books within the Scranton Business Park
S5E23: Dwight claims that a woman named Haddie McGonagle was murdered in the Dunder Mifflin office space in 1816 (though he probably made this up)
S5E24: Dwight steals supplies and files from the Michael Scott Paper Company’s office
S5E26: While fixing her dress, Meredith accidentally reveals one of her breasts, as well as her crotch and her backside (was accidental, but could be considered public indecency)
S5E27: Dwight cuts open the back of Phyllis’ blouse so he can give her a massage; Creed reveals that he doesn’t have any mirrors in his car that let him see behind the car (in Pennsylvania, it is illegal to drive without at least one mirror that lets you see behind the car)
S5E28: Dwight’s friend Rolph once inquired about shoes that increased speed and didn’t leave any tracks, implying that he was going to commit a crime
S6E1: Stanley wrecks Michael’s car with a tire iron
S6E2: Dwight and Toby accidentally crash into a few trash cans outside Darryl’s house; Dwight uncovers that the real cause of Darryl’s injury was from misuse of company equipment
S6E4: Michael ties full beer cans to the back of his car which left debris all over the road; Dwight implies that Mose is going to be castrating horses (only legal if Mose has a veterinary license, which is unlikely); Dwight also claims that he has a device which can make hamburgers out of horse meat without killing the horse (likely animal cruelty)
S6E5: The Niagara Falls hotel staff incinerated Kevin’s shoes (they claim they did it because it was a safety issue); Dwight gifts a turtle to Jim and Pam for their wedding and appears to not have made any holes in the box (likely animal cruelty); Dwight accidentally kicks Isabel in the face while dancing
S6E6: While answering Jim’s phone, Kevin pretends to be Jim and accidentally cancels his credit cards
S6E7: Dwight secretly records the conversations in Jim’s office (Pennsylvania has a two-party consent law which means that all parties in the conversations must consent to being recorded); Andy talks about a 60 Minutes segment that went into working conditions of a paper mill in Peru (the 60 Minutes segment likely went into illegal conditions within the mill)
S6E8: Meredith reveals that she has had sex with a known terrorist; while writing down things that people don’t want to be made fun of for, Creed says that if he writes his down, he cannot be charged for it; a custodian reveals that when Michael fell into the koi pond, he accidentally killed one of the fish
S6E9: Ryan shows Erin a topless photo of Kelly in the office (could be considered indecent exposure since it was in a public space within the office); Creed implies that a shipping order was never supposed to reach it’s location, possibly indicating that he stole a shipment
S6E10: Creed flees the office when Michael tells him that there was a murder and that he was a suspect, implying that he may be involved in a murder
S6E12: Dwight secretly records a phone call between Jim and David
S6E13: As part of Secret Santa, Andy gives Erin the Twelve Days of Christmas, inadvertently resulting in physical injury to her and potentially her home and car; Creed implies that he’s done “evil” things; Michael says that he has often claimed to be David’s childrens’ pediatrician to get him on the phone
S6E16: Andy accidentally gives Meredith a large paper cut on her throat; Ryan implies to Dwight that they should torture Jim
S6E17: While escorting Jim and Pam to the hospital, Dwight puts a police light on the top of his car; Michael uses his phone to text and make a call while driving; when being pulled over, Dwight throws multiple large weapons out his window; Michael parks in an ambulance-only parking spot
S6E18: Dwight breaks a window to enter Jim and Pam’s home; after breaking in, Dwight discovers mold in their home and destroys walls and cabinets with a crew of workers so he can refurbish their kitchen; Jim comments that he had five parking tickets on his windshield
S6E20: Creed tries to act casual when Michael announces that the lost and found has gone missing, implying he may have stolen it; Andy aggressively tries to take a pen from Darryl (could be considered battery); Dwight strangles Kevin in an attempt to get information from him; Michael and Dwight, and then later Andy and Erin, walk around the Scranton dump (would be considered trespassing); Michael and Dwight throw large pieces of garbage at each other; Michael and Dwight take two chairs from the dump
S6E21: Phyllis claims she likes getting men to flirt with her so that Bob will beat them up; Michael accidentally damages multiple objects while being reckless at the bar; Dwight breaks his contract with Angela (unsure as to whether a lawyer was involved with the first contract, but Angela served Dwight with a summons for breaking it, leading me to believe it was legitimate); Hide admits that he killed a Yakuza boss on purpose and then came to America illegally
S6E22: Meredith steals and uses Pam’s breast pump
S6E24: Michael hires Dwight to follow Donna around to see if she’s cheating on him (following someone isn’t illega, but it could be considered stalking or harassment); Creed implies that he’s committed crimes for low levels of reward; Michael says he’s going to kill the guy who’s kissing Donna in her Facebook photo (though he immediately takes it back)
S6E25: Michael keeps throwing out radon kits that Toby put around the office; Michael once again claims that he would kill Toby; Dwight claims that his money is buried underneath someone (though we don’t know if this is a grave or a buried corpse); Dwight and Angela’s lawyer comments that their sex contract is dangerously close to prostitution and illegal
S7E1: Dwight tears the head off of Phyllis’ teddy bear and pulls a knife on Jim; Meredith breaks into Michael’s nephew’s car; Michael spanks his nephew
S7E2: Dwight attempts to open a daycare center that is absolutely not up to safety codes; Toby allows Michael to forge his counseling paperwork
S7E4: Dwight is shown attempting to pick up what would appear to be illegal immigrants for day labour and then instead of paying them, has Mose pretend to be an INS agent, kidnaps the workers, and then drops them off in Harrisburg; Holly claims that multiple people died in a traffic accident (though it’s incredibly likely that she was kidding); Michael takes an incredibly quick turn without his turn signal on
S7E5: Michael, Dwight, and Jim secretly watch Danny’s meeting with Meredith through hidden cameras (only illegal if they are recording the footage)
S7E7: Angela steals all of the scones from Cece’s christening (though they were for public consumption so it probably wouldn’t constitute as theft)
S7E8: The Scranton Strangler leads police on a high speed pursuit; Michael tells Pam that he has a loaded gun hidden in his desk at the office; Michael cuts the cable going to Gabe’s apartment
S7E10: Erin floats the idea of hiring a new employee, killing them, and then cashing in on the life insurance policy; Dwight and Phyllis float the idea of bombing China; Pam accuses Dwight of breaking property code laws
S7E11: Dwight and Jim keep throwing snowballs at each other with force, and some that contained pebbles (snowball fights themselves aren’t illegal, but it’s illegal in most places to throw objects which could be considered missiles, and Jim is also shown with what appears to be blood on his clothes afterwards); Dwight asks Toby is he’s on the jury for the middle school teacher who tried to turn a foreign exchange student into a sex slave; Meredith asks Toby if it’s the case with the postman who rubbed his genitals on deliveries; Michael throws out supplies and food meant for the Christmas party; Dwight is shown dragging the Christmas tree out of the office to throw it out; one of the snowballs that Jim lobs at Dwight breaks a window; Michael throws Holly’s Woody doll into the trash and pours coffee on it
S7E12: Jim stabs a few snowmen with his umbrella hoping that Dwight is hiding in one of them
S7E13: Michael claims that regardless if Holly gets engaged or not, he will probably either attack people in rage or burn the building down in happiness
S7E15: Michael leaves without paying at the Chinese restaurant; Creed is also listed on the wall of diners who did not pay for their meal
S7E17: Michael most likely did not have permits to film in some of the locations featured in Threat Level Midnight; multiple characters in Michael’s film are seen using guns (you do not need a permit to have a gun in your home or business place in Pennsylvania, but multiple characters concealed their weapons during the film, though the guns are likely fake); a mannequin of Toby is blown up during Michael’s film (depending on the type of explosive used, certification may be required); during the hockey scene of the film, Michael comments that it was filmed during an actual Scranton High hockey game (could be seen as defiant trespassing and/or disorderly conduct)
S7E18: Packer humps Michael and Dwight while they’re underneath a desk; Dwight throws away Holly’s zen garden; Dwight offers Packer a hot chocolate laced with many laxatives (depending on the amount, it could be considered assault or even homicide since extreme dehydration could kill someone); Andy purposely does damage to his computer’s keyboard and hard drive; Andy and Pam slightly damage Andy’s new computer; Jim and Dwight pretend to be Sabre employees and tell Packer he can jump the gate at Jo’s house
S7E19: Ryan uses Phyllis and Oscar’s faces on his mom’s pesto and salsa recipes (would fall under right of publicity laws); Ryan adds a Kosher certification onto his mom’s pesto recipe (against FDA regulations); Michael pours gasoline all over the parking lot; Michael wants to steal a corpse from a medical school to use in his proposal to Holly
S7E20: Michael eggs Toby’s house; Kevin colors on a restaurant tablecloth with crayons; Ryan admits to have done drugs in the past
S7E21: Gabe confronts Andy and threatens him to stay away from Erin (could be considered criminal threatening); Deangelo claims that he caught the person who stole one of Jo’s dogs
S7E24: Dwight accidentally fires his gun through the floor; Meredith claims that during the shooting she lost her necklace, a ring, and a painting and will be reporting it to the insurance company; Ryan claims that Dwight’s accident felt like an act of terrorism; Pam claims that Dwight has hidden more weapons in the office
S7E25: Creed parks his car in the middle of the parking lot
S7E26: Dwight admits that he would have created a fake identity for his character of Jacques Souvenier if Jo had hired him as manager
S8E1: Dwight uses a fire extinguisher to knock Meredith off of the top of a bathroom stall, drops a ream of paper on a warehouse employee’s head to get him off a table, and flips a table over to get Toby off of it; Dwight throws Jim’s phone against the wall with force and a shatter is heard; Dwight instigates a fight between nearly everyone in the office
S8E2: Andy says he will streak across the parking lot if the office accrues enough points
S8E3: Dwight pours his drink on the inside of someone’s car; Oscar smashes the car’s window and brake light with a crowbar; Dwight drives the baler through the warehouse wall; Erin and Kevin spread grease all over the warehouse floor; Dwight, Jim, Erin, and Kevin damage multiple boxes of paper
S8E4: Dunder Mifflin billboards across town are shown to be vandalized; Mose crashes Toby’s car into a corn field; Mose very tightly lines up everyone’s cars so that he can run across the roofs (he likely made scratches and dents while planning and executing this plan)
S8E5: Dwight is shown to have brought many weapons into the office in the past as part of Halloween costumes and threatened to kill Toby with them (though the weapons were never concealed and Toby usually confiscated them before he entered the office
S8E6: Oscar stated in an email that he believes that Robert has strangled at least one stripper; Kelly states in an email that they should kill Robert; Dwight’s accountability booster is dangerously close to a form of blackmail; Gabe says that he is going to go to a cemetery and drink (it’s actually illegal to drink in most cemeteries); Pam stops Kevin from hitting Dwight over the head with a frying pan; Jim takes Robert’s phone and attempts to deletes an email (technically illegal to use someone’s phone without their permission)
S8E7: Dwight repeatedly grabs Jim’s crotch
S8E8: A Civil War informational video reveals that the soldiers from Schrute Farm were soldiers that went AWOL
S8E9: When Dwight suggests that everyone in the office is in a suicide cult, Creed strongly denies it, implying that he probably is in one; Jim leaves his car running and unattended in the middle of the parking lot
S8E10: Dwight punches Jim in the arm; Erin asks Andy for Jessica to die; Meredith threatens to drive drunk if Andy doesn’t drive her home; Meredith rides in the back of her van without a seatbelt on
S8E11: Andy asks Oscar to add $800 to their quarterly sales, implying it could be seen as a rounding error; Kevin offers to make that rounding error for Andy
S8E12: Jim drives over Robert’s lawn and breaks his mailbox
S8E15: Jim creates a fake murder scene in his hotel room for Dwight which involved stained towels, knocked over and possibly broken furniture, a writing on the door; Dwight threatens to light Jim’s face on fire; Dwight leaves the hospital with his IV solution bag, which implies he likely didn’t pay for his visit before leaving
S8E16: Gabe sprays an inhaler into Packer’s drink; Dwight damages his hotel room keycard; Dwight sprays a compound of chemicals in Jim’s hotel room creating what he claims is a biohazard
S8E17: Multiple homeless people are sleeping on the sidewalk outside the Sabre store (it’s usually only illegal for homeless individuals to sleep on the sidewalk if a shelter is available); Dwight tells Packer that he should act like a sexual predator when talking to the female teenage customers; a group of children throw pinecones at Andy and Pam, and one of them punches Andy in the face resulting in a black eye; Creed strikes the back of Meredith’s head; Ryan calls his uncle to get a prescription for Ritalin; Kelly attacks Toby and then accidentally elbows Andy in the face
S8E18: Dwight leaves a treasure chest in the office which fires a poisoned dart upwards at whomever opens it; Jim and Dwight tackle and punch each other; Kevin forcibly kisses Meredith
S8E19: Darryl drags Dwight out of his office by his hair; Andy tosses a container of eggplant parmesan onto the street; Andy leaves his car unattended in the middle of an intersection
S8E20: Dwight offers to hit Nellie with a candlestick; Jessica’s friends throw food at Andy’s car
S8E21: Andy smashes the frame holding a picture of Nellie; Andy punches another hole into the wall
S8E22: Andy loiters at the office parking lot
S8E23: Dwight and Jim create a fake identity to work around the commission cap (Dwight even admits that it’s extremely similar to embezzlement or fraud); Harry threatens to choke out Toby; Dwight tells Jim he should dent the hood of Harry’s car or slash the tires; Dwight attempts to activate the elevator’s seismic failsafes to stop the elevator; Pam steals Nellie’s phone and deletes all of her voicemails (technically illegal to use someone’s phone without their permission); Andy tells Robert if he doesn’t hire him back, he will give Prestige Direct Mail Solutions’ business to a competitor (technically blackmail)
S8E24: Kevin and Robert accidentally head butt each other; Andy mops the carpets, likely damaging them; Dwight steals Philip’s used diaper so he can have a paternity test done (this is called gene theft); Angela and Dwight both speed and drive recklessly; Angela hits Mose multiple times; Dwight and Mose both leave their cars unattended in the middle of the street; Robert forcibly kisses Andy; Dwight forces himself on Angela (though seconds later she is a willing participant)
S9E1: Andy threatens to make up a reason to fire Nellie (since Toby is aware of this, if Nellie were to sue Andy, Toby would have to testify against him); Andy purposely pushes Nellie off of the slack-lining rope; Dwight deconstructs Dunder Mifflin equipment to create his trapeze set; Dwight gets stuck on the slack-line and the fire department has to come to get him down; Andy places all of the recycling bins near Nellie and has people throw their trash at her
S9E2: While the building’s janitor is on vacation, the building becomes incredibly dirty to the point where rats can be seen (likely against multiple health codes); Nellie forces Dwight into a situation where he has to chop off her hand (though he doesn’t go through with it)
S9E3: Nellie drives recklessly; Nellie uses her phone while driving
S9E4: Dwight and Toby find EMF hotspots in the office which could imply that there’s poor wiring in the building (depending on how bad the wiring actually is, this could actually break laws); Stanley threatens to spank Clark; Dwight drives the work bus (depending on the type of bus it was, Dwight would need a certain license to drive it); Phyllis asks someone to just start driving the bus while Dwight is on the roof; Dwight drops himself through the rooftop emergency exit on the bus onto Jim; Dwight drives the bus recklessly
S9E5: Creed comes into the office with blood stains all over his clothes (it likely was not his blood, so he may have harmed someone); Andy reveals he had sex with a snowman while at Cornell (would fall under public indecency); Dwight catches Meredith in a net and causes her to fall to the floor
S9E6: Kevin leaves his car in the middle of the parking lot so he can run to the bathroom; Oscar forges documents to make it looks like Kevin has been taking money from Dunder Mifflin; Nellie, Jim, Pam, and Darryl create a situation where Dwight believes that police have surrounded David’s house; Pete’s friend Flipper once drunkenly flipped a table over at a bar
S9E7: Dwight claims he used to have a barber who fought dogs and made dogs fight each other; Clark is used as leverage by Dwight to get Jan’s business (this trade would be dangerously close to prostitution)
S9E8: Dwight reveals that Trevor has had numerous guns stolen from him; Angela hires Trevor to murder Oscar; Dwight claims he has left poop in a paper bag on people’s porches (would be classified as vandalism); Trevor claims that people have left poop in a bag on his porch multiple times; Angela asks Trevor to break Oscar’s kneecaps instead; Trevor brings a concealed weapon into the office; Phyllis taps a stranger on the back with the sharp end of a knife; Phyllis forcibly removes a decorative wine bottle from its base; Angela kicks Oscar in the shin
S9E9: Dwight hits Oscar and Jim with a stick; Darryl collapses on a table and breaks it in half
S9E10: Dwight throws his coffee cup up in the air, likely staining the carpet; Dwight sprays a disinfectant in Erin, Pam, Angela, and Meredith’s faces; Erin tackles Stanley; Meredith reveals that one of her exes keyed a bunch of people’s cars; Meredith also reveals that she pooped into an office shredder; Dwight accidentally sets off an insecticidal grenade (I don’t believe there is a real insecticidal grenade but I’m sure there’s some law against either setting one off or doing so with people nearby); Angela hits Oscar in the head with a coffee pot; Kevin misuses one of the warehouse machines and causes it to break; Dwight accidentally sets off another insecticidal grenade in his car (he most likely still drove his car after while experiencing hallucinogenic side effects)
S9E11: Jim is seen driving a motorcycle (Jim likely did not have a motorcycle license); Dwight suggests that Jim should drive 240 miles per hour so he can get to the office faster; Creed steals Phyllis’ ring; Kevin forcibly lifts Angela up multiple times; Darryl misses a basketball hoop and accidentally breaks a wall lamp and electrocutes a fish tank (though Darryl agreed to pay for the damage); multiple people in the office tear up the carpet flooring
S9E12: Dwight rips open a couch cushion with a knife; Dwight drives one of the delivery trucks (he likely does not have a license to drive the truck); Dwight throws a milkshake through the drive-thru window at an employee; a customer in the drive-thru throws a milkshake at Dwight
S9E13: Dwight reveals that Rolf uses hand grenades to fish; Mose is seen running in the middle of the street (could be considered jaywalking); Dwight reveals that when he was a child, he went to a school that was run by a conman; one of Dwight’s friends reveals that the school used the students as labor; Melvina reveals that she’s been double parked for about two hours; Dwight gives the sales rep applicants Jim’s home address so they can toilet paper it; Rolf tells Dwight to be weary of any suspicious packages he may get, implying that he’ll be sending him potentially dangerous packages; Dwight attempts to suffocate Clarke
S9E14: Frank vandalizes Pam’s warehouse mural; Angela hits Oscar; Dwight and Pam vandalize Frank’s truck; Frank rushes at Pam with the intent to hit her; Brian hits Frank in the face with his boom mic
S9E15: Meredith suggests that everyone in the office should try cocaine
S9E16: Dwight’s Aunt Shirley slaps Angela; Andy snoops through Erin’s phone; Andy kicks Toby; Angela accidentally sets off the hose on Dwight (the hose likely has the same pressure as a firehose, which is about 150 PSI, so this could be considered assault); Toby leaves the prison wearing a neck brace after visiting the Scranton Stranger, implying the Strangler attempted to strangled him;
S9E17: Dwight throws dirt in the faces of Erin, Phyllis, Kevin, Oscar, Meredith, Angela, Stanley, Pam and Jim; Dwight’s brother Jeb drives his car into Aunt Shirley’s grave; Packer reveals he’s in Narcotics Anonymous, implying he used to use drugs; Dwight reveals that his family members have accidentally buried family members who were thought to be dead but were actually in deep sleep; Dwight unloads a shotgun into his aunt’s corpse; Jeb reveals that he owns a worm farm in California (medical marijuana was not legalized in California until 2018); Packer reveals that the cupcakes he gave out to everyone in the office, as well as to Jim and Darryl were laced with drugs, some legal and some not; Packer is seen having parked his car halfway between a handicapped spot and a do-not-park zone; Clarke reveals that while drugged, he defected in some bushes
S9E18: Dwight dumps a bucket of water onto Phyllis, and is likely the same person who dumped a bucket of water onto Andy as well (technically would be classified as assault); Meredith exposes her breasts in the office; Angela slaps Oscar
S9E19: Dwight shoots Stanley with three tranquilizers meant for a bull (horse tranquilizers can cause serious harm to humans, and a bull tranquilizer likely has a higher dosage); Meredith squirts some of the bull tranquilizer into her drink (probably not illegal since she put it into her own drink, but it would be classified as placing a foreign object into an edible, which is actually a felony); Dwight and Clarke accidentally slam Stanley’s unconscious body into two walls; while sliding down a flight of stairs, Stanley’s unconscious body makes a dent in the wall; Andy kicks over an empty trash can; a man at the talent agency claims that through his dog-cat-mouse act, he goes through a lot of mice (allowing your pet to eat live animals can be considered animal cruelty); Stanley tranquilizes himself so that he doesn’t have to climb the stairs
S9E20: Creed smashes a melon on the warehouse floor; Pam accidentally hits Toby in the eye with a paper airplane; Erin reveals that when she was in the orphanage, she once ripped Susan’s pigtails off of her head; Erin crushes a box of packing peanuts; Clarke asks Pam and Jim to share the drugs he think they’re high on; Angela is seen taking rolls of toilet paper from the office
S9E21: Lackawanna County takes away “two sacks” worth of Angela’s cats because she is violating her apartment complex’s pet rules; Dwight throws his briefcase and hits multiple items; Dwight nearly kicks and punches multiple in the office; Andy asks Toby to falsify files; Andy attempts to grope Toby; Andy dedicates on David’s car (this would be classified as vandalism and public indecency);
S9E22: Dwight reveals that his grandmother was shot by Adolph Coors; Dwight throws the summoning bag against the back of Jim’s head; Casey Dean jumps on the back of the a cappella show host; Meredith spanks Darryl; Dwight is seen driving with his police light on his car; Dwight drives recklessly
S9E23: Dwight reveals that Creed faked his own death; Dwight also reveals that the police are looking for Creed as he sold drugs, trafficked endangered animal meat, and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military; Oscar reveals that Kevin used to make up numbers to balance the books; Mose kidnaps Angela and locks her in his trunk for three hours; Creed changes his identity; Ryan reveals that his partner abandoned him and their child; Ryan purposely gives his son an allergic reaction; Kelly and Ryan abandon his son with Ravi; Nellie takes Ryan’s son as her own child (she didn’t legally adopt him so this would be considered child abduction); Pam attempts to sell their home without Jim’s knowledge (since Jim bought the house as a surprise, his name is likely on the deed as well and Pam wouldn’t be able to sell it without him); Kevin spills alcohol all over a cabinet while filling up glasses