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I'm extremely new to reddit. (I love it here already :D) I am a 21 yr old F. But I was going through these stories and the explanations of what a narcissist entails... And I think this might be my mom... So I'm going to share some stuff about her if that's ok, and would appreciate it if someone(s) could tell me what you think and what you think I should do... because I don't know what to do. This is probably going to be a really long post... Sorry in advance.
So.
As a little kid, my mom was always super OVER protective but I never really had any complaints other than that and instilling a ton of fear into me about damn near everything because she was (still is) absolutely terrified that something is going to happen to me or my sisters. She's been married three times, with my oldest sister's father and me and my other sister's father being verbally and physically abusive to herself and us, and her and her current hubby have been together for 15 yrs, no abuse from him. The older (and closer to leaving the nest) we got, the worse she's gotten....
When I was in high school, she didn't care if I had friends over or not, she would almost always make a point to barge into my room (she has never knocked, claims that she made my body and if I'm not doing anything I shouldn't or hiding anything I shouldn't care) and scream (not yell, not discipline, SCREAM) at me in front of friends over something random, be it the dishes, other chores, etc. If I said anything in response besides, 'Yes mom' or 'Yes ma'am' she had no qualms about slapping me in front of my friends. Needless to say, I ended up spending almost all of my high school years at my sister's house for as long as I could get away with.
My hair has also been ridiculously long my whole life, my mom loves long long LONG hair and would never allow me to cut it passed my waist. So on my eighteenth birthday, my oldest sister paid for me to have it professionally cut off at my collarbone. My mom didn't talk to me for the remainder of the day and told me I'd broken her heart despite the fact that I had just donated 10+ inches of NATURAL RED hair to Locks of Love. (Something i figured she might be proud of)
When I graduated high school in 2011, I unwillingly got a job at her workplace because she and my step dad refused to drive me to work anywhere else and also refused to help me get a car until I could pay for it. When I got the job, my mom refused to allow me to purchase a used cheap vehicle because it 'wasn't safe' or a 'good investment', she also told me she would only help me finance a car that she liked, making me purchase either a KIA Soul or a Dodge. I went with the Soul, as most Dodges are terrible on gas mileage and are much more expensive than the KIA I picked. She picked the payments ($322 a month, but I pay for it) and signed the papers without allowing me to put my own name on my vehicle. But, me being in need of a vehicle for work purposes, didn't complain. She told me for weeks where I could go, when I could go, who I could have in HER car before I finally stood up to her about my car and told her that if I was going to pay for it it was NOT her car, and if she was going to insist that it was and threaten to take it from me again she could pay for it and I would park it in her driveway.
She also handed me her store card that already had about $500 on it and told me that I could use it for work clothes (she told me that the workplace only allowed you to wear business casual, which was not true, they allow tshirts and jeans) if I paid off the current balance as well as what I added to it. I bought a few things and started making payments. She allowed my oldest sister to use the card as well for her kids' school supplies and clothes (she charged over $400 onto the card) and my oldest sister paid $80 towards her balance on the card and said she'd paid her debt. No additional money has been put towards the card, and she has since been allowed (I do not have the physical card, my mother does) to put an additional $200-$300 in luggage on the card with no additional payments. So I've been paying $50+ a month on a credit card that does not belong to me for the past 3 years. I've told her several times since then that I could not afford to keep paying it and she just calls my sisters and tells them that I'm trying to stick her with a credit card I supposedly ran up. And then my sisters are mad at me and calling and texting me along with my mom telling me i'm being selfish and ungrateful and that I need to take responsibility for my own spending and not try and shove it off on my broke mom.
While I worked and lived with her, I had a shift of 1:30 pm to 10:15 pm monday through friday. She would wake me up every day at 7:30 am before she left for work to make sure I wouldn't be late (wut) and when I would get home from work at night, whether I had went in early for overtime or not, she would demand that I washed the dishes, did laundry and cleaned etc, AS SOON AS I GOT HOME. If I didn't do those things, screaming followed.
When my boyfriend and I finally got our own place in 2012, my mom demanded that we promise we would sleep in separate bedrooms. (we told her we would to avoid the arguments) We went and visited my boyfriend's mom (whom my mom has said is creepy that she wants to talk to and hang out with her son's girlfriend ((wut)) and stayed with her for the weekend about two weeks prior to move in date. When we returned, my mom told me as soon as I walked in the door that she had a present for me. I walked over to her computer where she was sitting and she showed me a picture of a brand new oven. I, naturally, got really excited and told her thank you. She told me all we had to do was go get it and buy a cord for it as it didn't have one. $30 in return for a free NEW oven, I'll take it. We went and got the oven and the cord, and the landlords allowed us to go ahead and move it into the rental since our storage unit didn't have enough room. After we had moved into our rental and I called her asking what I should make for dinner for the first night in my new house, she tells me that she paid $300 for the oven. We have never been a family that believes in telling how much was spent on a gift. I asked her why she would tell me that and her response was that we owed her $400 for the oven and would like to know when we could pay her back. I had literally just had to pay over $1200 to my landlords and then storage unit fees and pay people to move our things. I explained that we didn't have the money to pay her back and she let it go for a while. Months later, she told me that we owed her over $1500. Wut? (I haven't paid a dime towards this)
When my mom finally did her taxes for 2011, she told me she was going to CLAIM me as I lived in her home for all of 2011, I saw absolutely no problem with that and told her so. But when the papers came in to sign off on, she made me sign a paper and when I tried to look at the other stack of papers that had MY NAME on them, she threw a fit and started screaming at me. I eventually looked when she left the room to find out that she had not claimed me, she filed FOR me. She had also told me that I wouldn't get a return, but I had (about $400). And she had made me sign a paper to have it deposited into her bank account. She has still NEVER said anything about it to me.
In 2012 and in 2013 I tried to enroll in college. Both times, I had to remind and beg my mom for months to fill out my FAFSA. Which she claimed was a fake website to get her information, despite it being a GOVERNMENT website. (I am under 24, unmarried, no children so I am considered a dependent student) 2012, after paying the expensive application fee and pushing my start date back multiple times I finally just had the school remove me from the roster since she wouldn't help. In 2013, I finally got her to fill out the FAFSA and she filled it out incorrectly, saying that she was a divorced woman (not remarried) and only claimed her own income. They pulled it and sent me a letter saying that I could send in the correct information or I (not her) would get fined 20K and possibly arrested. I asked her and my stepdad to provide the correct information and they refused, resulting in me removing myself from the enrollment again.
Also in 2013 I told her that I could not afford my car payments anymore and asked if I could refinance or downgrade to a cheaper car. (i cannot get one on my own due to lack of credit) She agreed that we would try and find a cheaper alternative for me. Once we got to the car lot and I found a cheaper car that I really liked however, she told me that she was NOT giving them her information so they could ruin her credit and ruin her chances of getting herself a new car later that year. We left without a car after the salesman couldn't get my payments where I needed them. The car salesman (same one that sold me my KIA) called me a few hours later telling me that he had managed to get my payments where I needed them (under $300) and an offer to pay off my current car which I owed over 15k on. I called my mom really excited and told her. She immediately said NO, and said she'd talked with my stepdad and decided that it would be a good lesson for me to learn that I shouldn't finance what I can't afford (i didn't pick payments) and that I would keep the car until I pay it off. Earlier this year, she told me that if I wanted to get a Dodge Dart she would cosign with me, so we went to look at them and again found a good deal. My mom suddenly said that she didn't want to cosign because it would ruin her chances of getting herself a new car (she still hasn't even tried to get herself a new car) and so my stepdad said he would sign with me. She threw a fit in the car lot, saying he had to sign with her to get her a good interest rate. Needless to say, we left the car lot, again, with my current car.
Earlier this year, she asked us if we wanted to go 'home' with her to visit my Grandmother. (she lives MANY MANY states away) Of course we did. And we told her we would save up the money if we could. We told her we could only afford to fly into PDX as Medford and Reno airports are far too expensive to fly into. My boyfriend got into a car accident totaling his car about two months before the trip was planned and our savings had to go towards that. However, we ended up with a sum of insurance money to replace the car and we still ended up with money left over that we were going to use to go visit. The night before we were supposed to book our flights, i was on the phone with my other sister, and she made a comment about mom booking her flight. So I hung up with my sister and called my mom, since she had promised me we would book our flights together so we could get on the same flight and fly into the same place so we didn't have to rent a car, which was the WHOLE purpose of going with her anyways. My mom tells me that she had indeed booked her flight. Into Medford. She assured me that the tickets were NOT more expensive and that she had done it because the price of the tickets into PDX and the rental car together equaled the price to fly into Medford. (logic? where is it?) I got upset but I let it go. We tried booking our flight into PDX and renting a car, but being that we're both under 25, rental car fees were ridiculous and we were way too short. I was really upset about it, I mean, my Grandmother won't live forever and I'm really scared I won't get to see her again, but I gave up. My mom kept telling me that she was sorry and that she understood because she and my stepdad could barely afford it. When we went to take her and my stepdad to the airport, I overheard her talking to my oldest sister about a hotel and a rental car. My sister later confirmed that my mom was staying in a hotel overnight, had gotten brand new casino passes and had rented a car. But her reasoning for flying into Medford had been that it was so she didn't have to rent a car because it was closer. (the closest casino is in Reno, 5 hours away) My boyfriend and I's 5 year anniversary was a few days before the trip was supposed to be. My boyfriend set aside his entire paycheck and took me to Savannah for four days to make me feel better (we drove and didn't use a dime of the insurance money), and while I was gone, my mom called me and told me that she thought it was really crappy that I couldn't afford to go see my family but that I could afford to go on a weekend trip, and reminded me multiple times that my Grandmother isn't going to live forever and that she hopes I'm ok with living with going on a trip with my boyfriend instead of seeing my Gran one last time.
And the most recent things.
I just recently had to get glasses. I had never had an eye exam before and it is my job to sit in front of a computer all day long. I was getting extreme headaches and my vision would go blurry from time to time and I was having issues seeing things that were far off. So I went to the eye doctor. Eye doctor told me that I have an astigmatism (he told me this is something you have to be born with) and I'm far sighted ad prescribed me a pair of glasses. I am on my own insurance and paid for this with my own money. When I told my mom what the doctor said, the first words out of her mouth were 'are you sure you're not just faking it so you can wear those stupid contacts you like?' (I occasionally wear circle lenses, and I do not need a eye problem prescription for those. as you can get the 0.00 ones)
I also find out Friday if I have to have shoulder surgery. I dislocated my arm when I was 15. When it happened, my mom didn't take me to the doctor and she put it back in place herself and I went about my life. I never had issues out of it until after I graduated. But for the passed few years it's gotten progressively worse, to the point where it's starting to limit what I can do due to pain. I've done 6 weeks of 2 times a week physical therapy at the doctors orders. I have an MRI tomorrow and my results are Friday and then I'll know. Doctor thinks I tore my labrum.
When I got home from the doctor on Thursday and told her what he had told me was coming, she got extremely mad and told me that he was just an educated bookworm and didn't know what he was talking about, that he was going to mess everything up and if I thought I was hurting now I should just wait until after surgery. When I tried explaining, she told me that she had torn her rotator cuff and had been in pain for 8 months and that she fixed it by exercising it and that I didn't know the meaning of pain and was just being a baby. (she did not tear her rotator cuff, we took her to the doctor back then and he told her she just pinched a nerve) then she told me that I needed to stop faking to get out of work because it was going to cause more issues than a few weeks off work was worth. When I tried again to explain, she told me that she had enough on her plate and I was stressing her out, which is an ever so common response from her when she doesn't want to talk to me about something anymore. She told me I'm creating my anxiety disorder and that I'm creating all these issues for myself.
The vast majority of conversations with my mom, no matter how innocent they start, end in argument. She is completely unsupportive and constantly telling me my ideas are stupid. Such as when I wanted to be a writer, she told me I would never make money that way, when I wanted to be a lawyer, she told me that I knew NOTHING about law, when I wanted to open a bakery she told me that when there was a recession, no one would ever want a cupcake, etc. Whenever I finally have extra money to spend and I buy something, I have to hide it from her because she chastises me for buying things and tells me that she thought I was broke and if I'm so broke why am i buying things instead of paying her back? When i ombred my hair to fade into blond, every time she saw me (and even though it's mostly grown out now, still does) would make a point to tell me it was/is ugly and that I looked so much better with out it. (I literally only bleached the ends of my hair, my hair is passed my bewbs) Anytime I am out of work, late or leave early, she tells me i'm going to get fired and makes me feel really bad about not wanting to come/stay at work while I'm sick or for taking a vacation day, etc. I can not tell my mom she's wrong, or that I'd rather she didn't do something without her getting upset and telling me that I'm a terrible daughter. I cannot tell her she's doing something without her telling me that 'Oh it's ok if YOU do it, but not if I do it?' or 'No i don't. That's what YOU do, stop blaming me for things that YOU do.' Or accusing me of accusing her of being a terrible mother. (those words have never come out of my mouth, not to her or to anyone else) She accuses me of preferring my boyfriend's mom to her JUST BECAUSE his mom has a horse ranch. She calls me screaming, leaves hateful voicemails, and really long hateful texts when I don't answer my phone, tell her where I am at all times or answer a text when she'd like me to. When we get into arguments she calls both of my sisters and my stepdad and suddenly everyone is mad at me because she has undoubtedly told them how horrid I am and won't listen to anything I have to say. Since I went vegetarian, she constantly (like literally every chance food is brought up) tells me it's stupid and that I'm going to hell for not eating meat, as God intended us to eat them. (wut?)
Now that I've told you all these things about her. Let me tell you this. My mom always makes sure I've got food to eat. No matter how much she might make things harder on me and upset me, etc. She always buys me food and makes sure I'm eating. She does and has always taken care of me and I'm grateful for that.
I don't really want to cut my mom out of my life. I love her despite all this and it really hurts me that I can't talk to her or have a normal mother daughter relationship. My sister's stopped standing up to her entirely, they just say, well that's how mom is. Whereas, I feel like if we don't let her treat us the way she does, she'll stop right? My boyfriend and my best friend think that despite her good moments, I should cut her out of my life unless she magically changes. Mom doesn't act this way to other people, just her kids and her husband. I don't know what to do. because when I think about removing her from my life, i end up thinking about those rare good moments. And I don't want to stop talking to her all together and then something happens to her, and I have to live with that. If it sounds like I am at fault for any of these things, please tell me. I don't want to end up like her.
Sorry this was so long.